About this time last year we found out that IVF didn't work. I was in such shock and went to a really dark place for a while. Even though those wounds have healed I can still remember that feeling.
What a difference a year makes?!? I now can look back and see the good that came from going through all the miscarriages and failed IVF. I am closer to God, my husband, and have a different view on life. I have one beautiful daughter, Allie, that I couldn't imagine my life without and one due tomorrow.
I know there are so many women out there still struggling with infertility and wondering if they will ever have a child. Well, the one thing I know is God is the only one who knows. I knew he put the desire in my heart to adopt and to keep trying to have a baby. I pray he brings anyone going through similar situation the same peace and guidance. I think if you pray and listen he will give you little signs along your journey......
I am feeling extremely blessed and there is not a day that goes by I don't thank Him for Allie and Hadley. My answered prayers and little miracles. :)
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
The Pressure of a Working Mom
Being a mom is hard- either stay at home or working. I applaud stay at home moms b/c it is like they do the same job 24/7- with no days off. I don't know if I would be the best stay at home mom- having to come up with activities and all that stuff. But being a working mom has its own hardships.
So far what has been the most difficult for me is the guilt. I feel guilty about not being around Allie and knowing I wont be around Hadley as much as I would like. I also feel guilty about having to miss work when they are sick then feel guilty for feeling guilty about work when I should be worried about my daughters not feeling well. I feel guilty about contributing financially to the family. If I was to quit work then I am putting more stress on our family financially but should finances outweigh what might be best for my daughters???? It is a very tough situation. My work has been great about understanding when Allie is sick and obviously my bed rest but the guilt is still there. I hate to even say this, but I think having a man as a boss that doesn't have kids makes it worse. I think he doesn't quite understand everything moms go through and the emotional stress of being torn between family and work.
Most recently I have had moments of high stress and been on the brink of a breakdown thinking about going back to work only after 6 or 8 weeks after Hadley gets here. Since I have already taken maternity leave this year I cannot take the usual 12 weeks my work gives. Even typing about it now I can feel my blood pressure rising. I can't imagine sending a 6 week old to day care....especially during flu season when she cannot get the flu shot! We will probably revisit the nanny option but right now she is at day care for about 9 -10 hrs a day so finding a nanny that can work those types of hours for what we can afford will be difficult.
I know God has a plan and everything will work out- just like it always has but that doesn't mean it won't be hard while I wait for it to work out;)
So far what has been the most difficult for me is the guilt. I feel guilty about not being around Allie and knowing I wont be around Hadley as much as I would like. I also feel guilty about having to miss work when they are sick then feel guilty for feeling guilty about work when I should be worried about my daughters not feeling well. I feel guilty about contributing financially to the family. If I was to quit work then I am putting more stress on our family financially but should finances outweigh what might be best for my daughters???? It is a very tough situation. My work has been great about understanding when Allie is sick and obviously my bed rest but the guilt is still there. I hate to even say this, but I think having a man as a boss that doesn't have kids makes it worse. I think he doesn't quite understand everything moms go through and the emotional stress of being torn between family and work.
Most recently I have had moments of high stress and been on the brink of a breakdown thinking about going back to work only after 6 or 8 weeks after Hadley gets here. Since I have already taken maternity leave this year I cannot take the usual 12 weeks my work gives. Even typing about it now I can feel my blood pressure rising. I can't imagine sending a 6 week old to day care....especially during flu season when she cannot get the flu shot! We will probably revisit the nanny option but right now she is at day care for about 9 -10 hrs a day so finding a nanny that can work those types of hours for what we can afford will be difficult.
I know God has a plan and everything will work out- just like it always has but that doesn't mean it won't be hard while I wait for it to work out;)
Monday, August 4, 2014
Allie
My sweet Allie is now 7 months old. She is just the most adorable little girl. She is sleeping through the night, sitting up, kind of eating solids (even though she isn't wild about it), playing, babbling, and getting closer to crawling. She can turn circles and scoot backwards but hasn't quite figured out how to move forward. I know it will be crazy once she starts crawling but I can't wait. I love seeing her grow and do new things.
Her and Brad have the cutest relationship. She just lights up when he enters the room. I love it!!!
Her and Brad have the cutest relationship. She just lights up when he enters the room. I love it!!!
Friday, August 1, 2014
Long time no post
I haven't posted in a while and am kind of sad I haven't. I love that I can look back at my post from before and right up until we got Allie and just relive all those emotions.
So, what's been going on......
I am 35 weeks pregnant today and really feeling pretty good. 5 weeks ago I was put on bed rest for a shortened cervix which has been really hard. The hardest part of this pregnancy has been that I haven't been able to be as active as I usually am and being put on bed rest has been a true adjustment. Up until last week I really felt 100% but now I am starting to have some pains- mostly hips and back aches that wake me up at night and then just having a huge belly in the way makes it harder to move.
My work and family have been such blessings. Work is allowing me to work from home during this time which I think has saved me mentally and emotionally. It gives me a reason to get out of bed and feel like a functioning adult especially since my mom, mother in law and Brad have been doing everything else for me- taking care of Allie, getting me food, cleaning, etc. I am very grateful for the support of my family! And very lucky my mom is a teacher and has been off work this whole time. She comes over every day sometimes more than once to check on me, bring me stuff and of course bring Allie home and play with her until Brad gets home. Oh and she takes me to all of my doctors appointments! I know this has been a very special time for them to spend so much more time with Allie which makes me happy especially since I hate not being able to play with her as much or even pick her up.
So just some things have been going on the last 5 weeks.
1. Put on bed rest for shortened cervix- at 29 1/2 weeks my cervix measured at 2.1cm
2. The next week it dropped to 1.8cm
3. The next week it dropped again to 1.7cm. They had me take a fetal fibronoctin test- it actually came back positive!! Which completely freaked me out!
4. They put me on blood pressure meds, progestrone, and 2 steroid shots.- The blood pressure meds give me incredibly bad headaches so instead of taking 2 a day I only take one. The steroid shot gave me insomnia- so for two-three days I only slept about 3 hours a night.
5. Last 2 sonos have shown stable with no more shortening. YAY!! Praise God!
The next goal is to get me to 36 weeks which is next Friday!! Then of course I am sure they will say it is to get me to 40 weeks. Even though bed rest has been hard it is all worth it as long as she gets here healthy.
So, what's been going on......
I am 35 weeks pregnant today and really feeling pretty good. 5 weeks ago I was put on bed rest for a shortened cervix which has been really hard. The hardest part of this pregnancy has been that I haven't been able to be as active as I usually am and being put on bed rest has been a true adjustment. Up until last week I really felt 100% but now I am starting to have some pains- mostly hips and back aches that wake me up at night and then just having a huge belly in the way makes it harder to move.
My work and family have been such blessings. Work is allowing me to work from home during this time which I think has saved me mentally and emotionally. It gives me a reason to get out of bed and feel like a functioning adult especially since my mom, mother in law and Brad have been doing everything else for me- taking care of Allie, getting me food, cleaning, etc. I am very grateful for the support of my family! And very lucky my mom is a teacher and has been off work this whole time. She comes over every day sometimes more than once to check on me, bring me stuff and of course bring Allie home and play with her until Brad gets home. Oh and she takes me to all of my doctors appointments! I know this has been a very special time for them to spend so much more time with Allie which makes me happy especially since I hate not being able to play with her as much or even pick her up.
So just some things have been going on the last 5 weeks.
1. Put on bed rest for shortened cervix- at 29 1/2 weeks my cervix measured at 2.1cm
2. The next week it dropped to 1.8cm
3. The next week it dropped again to 1.7cm. They had me take a fetal fibronoctin test- it actually came back positive!! Which completely freaked me out!
4. They put me on blood pressure meds, progestrone, and 2 steroid shots.- The blood pressure meds give me incredibly bad headaches so instead of taking 2 a day I only take one. The steroid shot gave me insomnia- so for two-three days I only slept about 3 hours a night.
5. Last 2 sonos have shown stable with no more shortening. YAY!! Praise God!
The next goal is to get me to 36 weeks which is next Friday!! Then of course I am sure they will say it is to get me to 40 weeks. Even though bed rest has been hard it is all worth it as long as she gets here healthy.
Friday, April 4, 2014
My Girls
I am back! I took a little break due to everything that has been going on but mostly because....I am pregnant and wanted to wait until we knew for sure and let our adoption agency know before announcing it anywhere.
So, here are some updates.....
It's a Girl!
We found out around the time Allie was born that we were pregnant but after my history of miscarriages we really didn't get our hopes up. The pregnancy has not been the smoothest; the usual spotting and bleeding started around 6 weeks. I actually had two major bleeds where I even passed some clots (sorry TMI) and I thought for sure I had miscarried. Somehow this little fighter held on. The bleeding was due to a subchoronic hemorrhage and since I am on blood thinners for my APA the bleeding was heavier. At 10wks we ended up doing a Panaramic blood test that test for major chromosomal issues and it just happens to let you know the sex of the baby. So around 12 weeks we found out we were having a baby girl!!
About 3 weeks ago, I started having brown spotting again and of coursed freaked out! I went in for a sono and it showed my hemorrhage was still there and there was this odd looking band of tissue that had formed. Long story kind of short, I went to two perintologist (fetal and maternal specialist) the first one was able to locate the hemorrhage and tissue but said it was really nothing to be concerned about. The second (and probably more well known doctor) said he could not even see the hemorrhage or band and said in his opinion my pregnancy is too normal for me to be there. YAY!
As of today, I am 18 week pregnant and my due date is September 5th. I have had 3 due dates (6th, 8th, then 5th) so only God really knows when she will come, ha!
Allie Girl
Allie is at the cutest stage! She wakes up every morning smiling and "talking". It makes it sooo easy to get up in the mornings and really hard to leave her. She probably gets 500 kisses from me every morning. I can't imagine my life without her. Just thinking about her I wish I could hug and squeeze her. She started daycare and it is going really well. She has been sick once but was over it in about 4-5 days.
I found out yesterday she rolled over for the first time....I am still really sad that I missed it. I knew she was close she almost did it on Sunday and I was hoping it would happen this weekend. She also LOVES playing on her play mat. It is the cutest thing. She can now grab and pull at stuff and almost entertain herself for a good while. She isn't sitting up on her own yet but can sit in the bumbo for short periods of time.
I am starting to feel guilt about not being around her enough and what I am missing and if she is getting the right amount of love and attention. But her teachers are great and I am very lucky to have her in a place that I trust.
Faith and Trusting in God
I have no doubt over our struggles with staying pregnant that God was leading us to Allie. It makes me tear up when I think of how much we prayed for her and how I am sure her birth mother and birth family prayed for us. I also have no doubt the only reason this pregnancy has lasted as long as it has is b/c we have Allie I think God knew it would be harder to lead us down this path if our first or second or third or fourth pregnancy had worked out. I am sure everyone who reads this and everyone who knows thought the same thing...omg two babies in one year. Now maybe closer to September I will start freaking out but right now I think it is perfect!
Finally, with having to go on maternity leave twice in one year and end up having two children in daycare there has been moments when we thought about our income and how that will affected. Well, I am happy to say God has taken care of that worry too! I got a promotion this week!! Makes being back at work a little easier when stuff like this happens:)
So, here are some updates.....
It's a Girl!
We found out around the time Allie was born that we were pregnant but after my history of miscarriages we really didn't get our hopes up. The pregnancy has not been the smoothest; the usual spotting and bleeding started around 6 weeks. I actually had two major bleeds where I even passed some clots (sorry TMI) and I thought for sure I had miscarried. Somehow this little fighter held on. The bleeding was due to a subchoronic hemorrhage and since I am on blood thinners for my APA the bleeding was heavier. At 10wks we ended up doing a Panaramic blood test that test for major chromosomal issues and it just happens to let you know the sex of the baby. So around 12 weeks we found out we were having a baby girl!!
About 3 weeks ago, I started having brown spotting again and of coursed freaked out! I went in for a sono and it showed my hemorrhage was still there and there was this odd looking band of tissue that had formed. Long story kind of short, I went to two perintologist (fetal and maternal specialist) the first one was able to locate the hemorrhage and tissue but said it was really nothing to be concerned about. The second (and probably more well known doctor) said he could not even see the hemorrhage or band and said in his opinion my pregnancy is too normal for me to be there. YAY!
As of today, I am 18 week pregnant and my due date is September 5th. I have had 3 due dates (6th, 8th, then 5th) so only God really knows when she will come, ha!
Allie Girl
Allie is at the cutest stage! She wakes up every morning smiling and "talking". It makes it sooo easy to get up in the mornings and really hard to leave her. She probably gets 500 kisses from me every morning. I can't imagine my life without her. Just thinking about her I wish I could hug and squeeze her. She started daycare and it is going really well. She has been sick once but was over it in about 4-5 days.
I found out yesterday she rolled over for the first time....I am still really sad that I missed it. I knew she was close she almost did it on Sunday and I was hoping it would happen this weekend. She also LOVES playing on her play mat. It is the cutest thing. She can now grab and pull at stuff and almost entertain herself for a good while. She isn't sitting up on her own yet but can sit in the bumbo for short periods of time.
I am starting to feel guilt about not being around her enough and what I am missing and if she is getting the right amount of love and attention. But her teachers are great and I am very lucky to have her in a place that I trust.
Faith and Trusting in God
I have no doubt over our struggles with staying pregnant that God was leading us to Allie. It makes me tear up when I think of how much we prayed for her and how I am sure her birth mother and birth family prayed for us. I also have no doubt the only reason this pregnancy has lasted as long as it has is b/c we have Allie I think God knew it would be harder to lead us down this path if our first or second or third or fourth pregnancy had worked out. I am sure everyone who reads this and everyone who knows thought the same thing...omg two babies in one year. Now maybe closer to September I will start freaking out but right now I think it is perfect!
Finally, with having to go on maternity leave twice in one year and end up having two children in daycare there has been moments when we thought about our income and how that will affected. Well, I am happy to say God has taken care of that worry too! I got a promotion this week!! Makes being back at work a little easier when stuff like this happens:)
Friday, February 21, 2014
Public to Private
Hey everyone, I have made the decision to make my blog private for a while. If you want to keep following me please email me at ajbkd09@gmail and I will add you to the list:)
Thanks!
Thanks!
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Daycare and sip and sees
So, last weekend was Allie's first Sip and See. It was great, except she was a tad fussy for like the first hour but after that she was a sweetie! I felt/ feel very loved and blessed by all the love and support. Oh and she got some CUTE stuff!
Now, I know this is a big shocker to most people, but I have decided to go back to work early and start Allie in daycare. Now, this decision was ONLY made because we had to get her into a place before I went back and this place could get us in in March but not April. I actually think it will work out perfectly though. The first 2 weeks I will be slowly transitioning her... And me to the daycare. This was actually Brad's idea to take 2 weeks- he said maybe I can get some sleep, ha! I guess I have been complaining about that a little;).
As far as the daycare, I really like it! They seem very attentive to the babies and have cameras that I can log onto online and watch her all day 😁. Also, a friend just started her daughter there and they will be in the same class! I was really sad about it at first but I know it is the right choice right now. Maybe one day I can stay at home or find a job that is a little more flexible. So everyone keep your ears/ eyes open for me;)
Allie is so sweet right now. She is sleeping from about 11pm - 4am which isn't solid sleep but she is still much better! She is smiling and cooing and it just brightens my day!! Yesterday as soon as Brad got home he said "hey sweet girl" and her face lit up with smiles- totally melted my heart!!!
Now, I know this is a big shocker to most people, but I have decided to go back to work early and start Allie in daycare. Now, this decision was ONLY made because we had to get her into a place before I went back and this place could get us in in March but not April. I actually think it will work out perfectly though. The first 2 weeks I will be slowly transitioning her... And me to the daycare. This was actually Brad's idea to take 2 weeks- he said maybe I can get some sleep, ha! I guess I have been complaining about that a little;).
As far as the daycare, I really like it! They seem very attentive to the babies and have cameras that I can log onto online and watch her all day 😁. Also, a friend just started her daughter there and they will be in the same class! I was really sad about it at first but I know it is the right choice right now. Maybe one day I can stay at home or find a job that is a little more flexible. So everyone keep your ears/ eyes open for me;)
Allie is so sweet right now. She is sleeping from about 11pm - 4am which isn't solid sleep but she is still much better! She is smiling and cooing and it just brightens my day!! Yesterday as soon as Brad got home he said "hey sweet girl" and her face lit up with smiles- totally melted my heart!!!
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