why am I miscarrying?

Brad and I met with my doctor yesterday to go over the results of the genetic test and discuss our next steps.  It was actually a very good conversation. I of course asked the millionaire dollar questions:

Why am I miscarrying?

The guess right now is that I am miscarrying because the egg is not implanting correctly. Something new I learned is, implantation is not just a single- one time event.  In the first few weeks as the pregnancy is beginning the egg attaches further and further in my uterus. So, how is this treated? In about 3 weeks I will have my uterus and tubes examined.  Even though my doctor doesn't think there is anything severely wrong with either this may shed light on if I have scar tissue, polyps, fibroid, etc.  Any of those thing can be removed which would hopefully lead to a more successful implantation.

When do I stop trying?

The doctor feels confident that I have "better days ahead".  She has worked with other women in my situation and seen successful pregnancies- which makes me feel good.   At this point it looks like we will give it one more try on the same treatment path as before, except this time I will be on progesterone injections versus inserts.  These injection are evidently not fun and Brad will have to give them to me in my hip/butt- Oh Joy! If that doesn't work then we will move to a more aggressive treatment called IVIG. I really don't want to get to this point - it is really expensive and not covered by insurance.


At least I will be able to enjoy the holiday season without having to worry about injections or what I can and cannot drink.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Amanda

Got to have faith

Okay, so Friday night Brad and I relived our high school years by going to see our Alma Mater Mesquite Skeeters play in a football playoff game. We arrived at the stadium a little early so we sat in the car and listen to the  80's pandora station.  George Michael's Faith came on- I had not heard that song in forever!  Needless to say, I jammed out and the song has been stuck in my head all weekend.  Even though that song has NOTHING to do with what I am going through, repeating the phrase " I gotta have faith" is a good reminder.  Another few good reminders have come to me via other friend's blogs. 

Good Reminders:
1. In the end everything will be okay, and if it is not okay, its not the end.
2. If I am not supposed to be a parent, God would remove the desire.  Since its still there I know it is in His plan for me.
3. I got to have faith- that His plan is the best plan.

Small Update

I got  my result back from the genetic exam via the tissue they collected from my D&C.  Everything came back negative.  This is good news but frustrating.  I just wish I knew why I was miscarrying.  I will go back next week for another test- they want to see if I have polyps or fibroids.  I seriously doubt this test will show anything. I have had 20+ sono's over the last 2 years and nothing has ever been a seen but I will wait and see.

Meanwhile, on the adoption front, I keep having this feeling that the phone is going to ring any second.  Praying the call come soon:)

Avoidance

I wonder how long I can keep avoiding baby stuff.  People around me are still getting pregnant, posting pictures of their new babies, and talking about the holidays.  I want to avoid any topic that involves me getting upset. Sounds doable, right?  I am truly happy for everyone else but just sad for me.  I am trying to live in a little bubble- I am hiding anyone that has recently become pregnant or had a baby from Facebook, getting in out of church quickly so I don't have to notice all the happy families and trying to plan as many vacations as I can. Good thing I work for a travel company:)

Normally, I LOVE the holidays but I think this year its just getting me down.  Thanksgiving is already different since the passing of both of my grandparents this year and I am sure Christmas will change too.

I just hate feeling sad. I am normally such a happy person that sad just doesn't look good on me. I can't imagine smiling for a picture because it would be such a fake smile. I really want to avoid a breakdown if at all possible but I am starting to think what really needs to happen is a big breakdown full of screaming and crying. I am sure it will happen sooner than later but I am just not ready to breakdown. I am ready to start doing things that make me feel better, like working out and shopping:)  Maybe if I can hurry up and start doing those things than I won't have a breakdown. 

My Husband

I just wanted to take a post to write about Brad.  He has always been there for me- my rock when I have been my most vulnerable. This time around he was even more amazing than I could imagined.  It is very easy for me and I am sure most people going through infertility to feel alone, confused, and sad but these last few days I haven't been consumed with those feelings. Brad decided to work from home and stay with me this week. For those that know Brad know that is HUGE in fact Tuesday night he was at the office until 1am.  So I know it was a big move for him to choose not to be in the office and it has probably saved me from going to a very dark place.  These last few days have  actually in a weird way been fun.  It's hard for me to feel miserable when I am hanging out with my best friend and love of my life.   Now sure, there are moments when I get mad and sad and I am sure the days to come it will get worse especially when I get back to my normal routine but for right now as I hangout at home with my husband everything seems to be just fine.   Even under these circumstances we were able to make some fun memories and move on from our most recent loss. I am so blessed to have him as my husband- I really couldn't imagine going through this without him.