River weekend

Brad and I had a much needed weekend getaway with great friends. It's always hard to be around pregnant women and babies but I think I handled it pretty well- no emotional breakdowns. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with knowing a birth mom is looking at our book so it takes a little of the pain away. It's almost becoming an inside joke with me , that anytime I meet a new person and they are pregnant-they are due the same time I would have been. This weekend both pregnant girls are due within a week of what my due dates were for my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy. I realize the odds get better since I've had three miscarriages but it still is pretty ironic.
Big stuff coming in the next two weeks. We find out this week about a possible adoption and in two weeks I have my immune system tested. With all of that I'm even more grateful for such wonderful friends inviting us to the river for probably my last weekend of "partying" (if you can call it partying when you go to bed before 11pm), ha ha.

Checking out our book

Okay! So a birthmom should be looking at our book tomorrow! I'll keep everyone updated.  Please pray for us and her!

bittersweet weekend

This weekend my family went through my grandmother's house.  It was so bittersweet.  It was great reminiscing but sad because we knew it was one of the last times we would see her house the way it looked before she passed.  It was also hard deciding what I wanted to keep to remember her, so many of those memories are intangible but more so it was tough to think about if I had a child would they want this or that or would they appreciate books that I read as a little girl.  It is all emotional thinking of the family, losses and wants.

come on phone call with some good news:)

Relax and Decompress

Boy! Did I need this past weekend.  Even though I had class for most of the day on Saturday the rest of the weekend was spent relaxing and reflecting.  I even was a bad friend and cancelled on some friends so I could spend time with Brad and by myself.   Brad's grandma better known as Ganmommy, went into the hospital on Thursday.  So, at dinner Saturday and Sunday with Brad we spent a good amount of time talking about our grandparents, the tough year we have had so far, and yet how we have been blessed with so many things this year as well.

Our church service Sunday made me really reflect. I probably missed the message the pastor was trying to send but it still spoke to me.  He asked us to write out something that we try to control- he used the word joykill.  "If there is anything you do that has become a joykill". Well, sadly trying to start a family has become that.  When you are pregnant it is supposed to be the happiest time of your life- instead for me I am hormonal, tired, and completely stressed about everything I do physically or everything I eat.  So, Sunday I wrote that I want to really stop feeling that and let God really control it....let's see how well I do at not trying to control everything, ha ha.

On the adoption front, I just want to ask for anyone that reads this to please pray for a birth mother to open up her heart and mind and ask to meet with us. 

July 7th 2012

I think I will remember this year for a long time.  My life has been an emotional roller coaster and every time I think it is calming down the phone rings. Its either a doctor or family member.  When the doctors call it seems its about how my hormone levels are not where they should be or I need to come in for more testing- I have given so much blood I could feed a family of vampires for a year, ha.

This year I have not only received tough calls about my pregnancy but about family as well.  My grandad (who passed away in January), my dad, and Friday a call about my grandma.    I grew up one house down from my grandma.  I can still smell her pancakes any time I come across the Smurfs on TV- Ben and I would run down to her house every Saturday morning, eat pancakes, and watch the Smurfs.  She was so loving and really taught me that family is important- family always loves you.  I could write out a thousand memories my grandma and I shared but one more recently was when I told her I was adopting.  She was so happy- she made me tell everyone at a family dinner- even my little cousins who probably were just like "okay".  She was just happy that I wasn't giving up on trying to have a family.  She told me that there is nothing in life that can compare to having a family and she was so right. 


Her passing is hard for me.  I am so lucky to have spent so many meaningful days with her and that a little piece of her will always live on through me. I am comforted by the fact that she is no longer in pain and I know she is in Heaven with my Grandpa Beasley, Uncle Billy, and my sweet angels.

I have to be honest, I am waiting for some happy news.  Hopefully, the second half 2012 will treat me better than the first.  One thing I can be sure of its all in God's hands....thankfully I know that with him I can get through anything!


Me and Grandma celebrating her 80th birthday. 

Still "trying"

Even though Brad and I are super excited to adopt we still want to try and have a child.  I think that desire to see a child that looks like you and experience pregnancy really never goes away.

I am always amazed about how the medical industry views miscarriages.  After the first one, they acted like no big deal it happens to everyone.  After the second, my doctor started doing more testing which all came back negative.  Then after the third she recommended a doctor that works with women who have had multiple miscarriages.  I wish she would have recommended him right away but I understand why she didn't; the testing can be expensive. One thing that still blows my mind is that after my last miscarriage the technician that confirmed there was no longer a heartbeat told me her friend went through 10 miscarriages- 10!  That poor girl and the emotional and physical roller coaster.   Three was bad enough but 10- at what point do you stop trying?  She had 10 before she got pregnant.  I guess you just know somewhere deep inside that it will happen. 

Well, I took my OB's advice and went to a fertility specialist, Dr. Marynick, he is known for doing more "out of the box" testing.  Brad and I met with him about a week ago and feel good about working with him and taking the next steps into more testing.  Basically, he will test my immune system to see if my body is "attacking" the pregnancy and offer some kind of treatment if a problem is found.  The next steps are as follows: 1. Wait until my body is back to normal (hormone levels,etc)  2. Begin testing  3. Start trying again.

I seriously considered stopping after my 3rd miscarriage and "walking away".  I have met a lot of great people and heard wonderful stories and advice.  One of those people told me, that sometimes your family isn't how you imagined it would be but it doesn't make it any less perfect.   It's all really exhausting but I guess it is worth the time, effort and money for a family through adoption or otherwise:)

My Calling

I feel so lucky and blessed to have friends, family and most importantly a husband that loves me.  It's funny how through all of our pain of trying to have a family has brought us closer together and to God.   It is so comforting to know that when I have been at my most vulnerable Brad has been there to get me through it.   Now, I will say that our recent retail therapy has helped.  After the awful  hail storm we both ended up with new cars, yay us! 

For me, talking about what is going on has been helpful; I realize it is not that common for people to talk about stuff like this.  I always wanted to be one of those people that could openly talk about their views on religion and witness to others but was always afraid of bringing up such topics at work or in other social settings.  Yet again, it is funny how God works.  I am now eager to tell people about how God has shown himself to me- the most vivid was after my 2nd miscarriage.  I was crying/screaming and asking the Lord why is this happening then almost like a light shining down, a comforting feeling came over me and I then knew we would adopt.   It is amazing how freeing it is to just trust in the Lord and know your plan can never be as great as his.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you will be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.  James 1:2-4, 12-

FAQ's

The adoption process can bring up a lot of questions.  Here are some of the more frequent ones I get- I am sure I am missing some but it gives you an idea.

FAQ's
1. Are you adopting a boy or girl?
     We are open to a boy or girl.
2. Are you adopting domestically or internationally?
     We are doing an open adoption domestically.  Most of the birth mothers live in or around College Station.
3. What ethnicity are you considering?
      We are open to any race/ethnicity. 
4. How much does it cost?
    This is a tricky question.  Every agency is different, our agency is relatively inexpensive compared to other agencies.   There is also a tax credit available.
5. What agency are you working with?
    Aggieland Pregnancy Outreach
6. What is open adoption?
     Open adoption means you have a connection with the birth family.  Ideally, they are in the child's life and the child knows from an early age he/she is adopted.   A good analogy I heard was comparing your relationship to the birth family like your relationship with in-laws or cousins.  


Regarding open adoption- Brad and I had our fears with it before we went to our first seminar and became more educated in the process.  Open adoption doesn't mean a crazy mom is going to come try and steal your baby because she knows where you live.    It means that the child always know he/she was never given up but loved.

There is a great overview on open adoption for adoptive parents and birth mothers on this website:
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/adoption/openadoptionadvantages.htm

The New Desire

Brad and I are adopting! It has been a long yet quick process. For about 19months we have been trying to have kids but sadly I have had three miscarriages during that time.   We have always wanted to adopt, but thought it would be something we did later in life, however, after our 2nd miscarriage we really felt God pushing us to adopt now.  Every time I read a story of a neglected child or saw/heard stuff about adoption my heart grew stronger and stronger.  I just knew God was telling us to adopt.

The adoption process is a wild one.  We were lucky enough to have friends through church that knew of a small Christian based agency in......College station. I know weird.... .   I immediately looked up information on the agency and it looked great-  but they asked three things of prospective adoptive families- 1. You must be married more than 3 years (check) 2. You must be Christians and attend the same church (check).  3. One parent must commit to not working more than 20 hours per week during the first few years of the child's life----WHAT??  As I mentioned, in my first post, Brad just graduated law school so our plan was to pay off his college loans as quick as possible, well one income puts a big damper on that plan!  That same day Brad was contacted by another firm about possible job that would give him an increase in pay.   I am always amazed of how God works- just when we were about to walk away from this agency God intervened. In March we went down to our first seminar and fell in love with the agency.  They really care about the birth moms and children. They provide counseling to all parties so that transition from birth mother to adoptive family is as smooth as possible and God is the center of their work.

After the seminar, we began the paperwork- there is A LOT of paperwork.  Our fist packet was about 15-16 pages about our relationship, personality, walk with Jesus, and thoughts/preferences on adoption.  After that we had a somewhat invasive interview with the agency, then more paperwork!   Last week we had another interview and house study with a social worker.  Today we are sending in our final paperwork and life book.   FYI- a life book is like a scrapbook of your life.   I'll keep everyone posted on when we get "the call"