Goals and new year resolutions

For the past few years I have written my goals for the year.  Most were simple, like finally reading a book all the way through, running a race, praying more consistently, etc.  However, the last two years, my goals for myself have been overshadowed and dominated by my desire to have a successful pregnancy.  I tend to be a competitive person, even against myself, so not achieving this "goal" has really challenged the way I think of myself- I feel defeated.  After this last miscarriage I decided I need a little break to travel and feel the success of achieving something.  So, Brad and I have decided to run a half- marathon this Spring/Summer.  I am SUPER DUPER excited; this will be my first half- marathon and Brads second.  On top of running I have started Crossfit- I have been resisting Crossfit for a long time (if you have ever hung out with someone who is a die hard crossfitter you understand why- they are annoying) but I really need something to push me and feel stronger inside and out. Lastly, and probably the hardest will be reading the bible all the way through.  Our church is going to walk through it together and they have suggested some reading plans they seem doable.  I tried just reading the New Testament last year and only made it through April.....I am hoping with the support of our church I will be able to actually finish!

2012 was a rough year for me. I lost my two remaining grandparents and suffered three miscarriages and while there is a part of me that wants to get down and cry I am not going to do that!  I need to move on- be happy and enjoy life.  I am really excited about 2013. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Here's to a better 2013!

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.  Romans 5: 1-5

2 years later

I had my hysteroscopy and I am not surprised that NOTHING is wrong.  I am happy nothing is wrong but also sad that there is no medical reason why I am miscarrying.

After the appointment, I reflected back on this process. December 2010 was when we decided to start trying and last December 24th we found out we were pregnant with pregnancy #2.   I had no idea what my life had in store for me and as I sit here I really don't know what will happen in 2013 but i pray there is a baby this year!! 

Test, Test, and More Tests

Just wanted to provide a little update. I will finally have my hysteroscopy  a week from today.  So much for a vacation, the first two days off work I get to spend at doctor's offices.   I really don't know what to expect but in a weird way hope they find something very fixable.  The procedure itself is very simple and I might just experience some cramping afterwards. 

I will update once I get my results!

Meanwhile, Merry Christmas!!!

Interpreting Groans of My Heart

I love going to church, especially when the message seems to relate perfectly to things going on in my life.  Sunday the message was about hope.  Hope that better things are to come.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  Romans 8: 18
 
Wow! Did I need that reminder or what!?!  I feel like its a struggle everyday to keep a smile on my face and not get discouraged.  There was also one point when the pastor was talking about praying and not knowing how or what to say.  I felt like he was reading my mind. Here lately I have felt like a ping pong match goes on in my head while I pray.  I pray for patience, strength, and peace but then there is the part of me that is screaming and begging for a baby. The bible says  the spirit in those that believe interprets those ping pong like prayers to God.  Again, what an amazing reminder that He is with us.

This message seem to set the theme for Sunday.  Sunday night we went to dinner with friends we haven't seen in long time who recently adopted.  It was so nice to be able to talk to someone that has gone through very similar stuff and SURVIVED!  Their outcome was better than they expected.

Here's to better things ahead!

why am I miscarrying?

Brad and I met with my doctor yesterday to go over the results of the genetic test and discuss our next steps.  It was actually a very good conversation. I of course asked the millionaire dollar questions:

Why am I miscarrying?

The guess right now is that I am miscarrying because the egg is not implanting correctly. Something new I learned is, implantation is not just a single- one time event.  In the first few weeks as the pregnancy is beginning the egg attaches further and further in my uterus. So, how is this treated? In about 3 weeks I will have my uterus and tubes examined.  Even though my doctor doesn't think there is anything severely wrong with either this may shed light on if I have scar tissue, polyps, fibroid, etc.  Any of those thing can be removed which would hopefully lead to a more successful implantation.

When do I stop trying?

The doctor feels confident that I have "better days ahead".  She has worked with other women in my situation and seen successful pregnancies- which makes me feel good.   At this point it looks like we will give it one more try on the same treatment path as before, except this time I will be on progesterone injections versus inserts.  These injection are evidently not fun and Brad will have to give them to me in my hip/butt- Oh Joy! If that doesn't work then we will move to a more aggressive treatment called IVIG. I really don't want to get to this point - it is really expensive and not covered by insurance.


At least I will be able to enjoy the holiday season without having to worry about injections or what I can and cannot drink.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Amanda

Got to have faith

Okay, so Friday night Brad and I relived our high school years by going to see our Alma Mater Mesquite Skeeters play in a football playoff game. We arrived at the stadium a little early so we sat in the car and listen to the  80's pandora station.  George Michael's Faith came on- I had not heard that song in forever!  Needless to say, I jammed out and the song has been stuck in my head all weekend.  Even though that song has NOTHING to do with what I am going through, repeating the phrase " I gotta have faith" is a good reminder.  Another few good reminders have come to me via other friend's blogs. 

Good Reminders:
1. In the end everything will be okay, and if it is not okay, its not the end.
2. If I am not supposed to be a parent, God would remove the desire.  Since its still there I know it is in His plan for me.
3. I got to have faith- that His plan is the best plan.

Small Update

I got  my result back from the genetic exam via the tissue they collected from my D&C.  Everything came back negative.  This is good news but frustrating.  I just wish I knew why I was miscarrying.  I will go back next week for another test- they want to see if I have polyps or fibroids.  I seriously doubt this test will show anything. I have had 20+ sono's over the last 2 years and nothing has ever been a seen but I will wait and see.

Meanwhile, on the adoption front, I keep having this feeling that the phone is going to ring any second.  Praying the call come soon:)

Avoidance

I wonder how long I can keep avoiding baby stuff.  People around me are still getting pregnant, posting pictures of their new babies, and talking about the holidays.  I want to avoid any topic that involves me getting upset. Sounds doable, right?  I am truly happy for everyone else but just sad for me.  I am trying to live in a little bubble- I am hiding anyone that has recently become pregnant or had a baby from Facebook, getting in out of church quickly so I don't have to notice all the happy families and trying to plan as many vacations as I can. Good thing I work for a travel company:)

Normally, I LOVE the holidays but I think this year its just getting me down.  Thanksgiving is already different since the passing of both of my grandparents this year and I am sure Christmas will change too.

I just hate feeling sad. I am normally such a happy person that sad just doesn't look good on me. I can't imagine smiling for a picture because it would be such a fake smile. I really want to avoid a breakdown if at all possible but I am starting to think what really needs to happen is a big breakdown full of screaming and crying. I am sure it will happen sooner than later but I am just not ready to breakdown. I am ready to start doing things that make me feel better, like working out and shopping:)  Maybe if I can hurry up and start doing those things than I won't have a breakdown. 

My Husband

I just wanted to take a post to write about Brad.  He has always been there for me- my rock when I have been my most vulnerable. This time around he was even more amazing than I could imagined.  It is very easy for me and I am sure most people going through infertility to feel alone, confused, and sad but these last few days I haven't been consumed with those feelings. Brad decided to work from home and stay with me this week. For those that know Brad know that is HUGE in fact Tuesday night he was at the office until 1am.  So I know it was a big move for him to choose not to be in the office and it has probably saved me from going to a very dark place.  These last few days have  actually in a weird way been fun.  It's hard for me to feel miserable when I am hanging out with my best friend and love of my life.   Now sure, there are moments when I get mad and sad and I am sure the days to come it will get worse especially when I get back to my normal routine but for right now as I hangout at home with my husband everything seems to be just fine.   Even under these circumstances we were able to make some fun memories and move on from our most recent loss. I am so blessed to have him as my husband- I really couldn't imagine going through this without him.

No title

I couldn't think of a title that would fit this post- sad, miscarriage, etc just don't seem to fit what I am going through.  I found out today that I miscarried again.  I am not really surprised but the pain is still very real.  I guess the excessive tiredness was due to the blood thinners and being depressed.  And the nausea is from the miscarriage.  This is my 3rd miscarriage this year and 4th in 18 months or so.  So, out of the 96 weeks I have been pregnant 32 of them....almost one full pregnancy.  I am just emotionally exhausted from all it.  No one knows why I am miscarry but it always happens around the same time.  I am having a D&C on Friday and they will do genetic testing on the tissue.  This is pretty much the only test we have not done. Once we get the results we will discuss next steps.  My doctor has advised us not to get pregnant on our own anymore and that the safest bet is to do IVF.  I think I have one more try left in me.....At some point I just wonder if I will have to deal with the realization that I will never have children of my own. 

I will say that going to the adoption meeting this last weekend was a true blessing.  Seeing couples that had successful adoption does give me a hope that we will at least some day have a baby.

Surprisingly I am holding it together pretty well.  I am sure in the hours, days, and weeks to come I will have those moments where I just don't want to get out bed, I cry myself to sleep, and I start crying when I see a baby but right now I just want to move on. The silver lining is that I will not have to give myself shots anymore or take progesterone which I swear makes me hungry even though that is not one of the listed side effects:)

Lastly, I cannot express how everyone's kind words, prayers and support has meant to me.  God has truly blessed me an amazing support system of friends and family.

Anxious

Its about 8:30pm on Tuesday and I am very anxious about my doctors appointment tomorrow.  I feel like I have had some pregnancy symptoms like nausea and tiredness but I feel the tiredness comes from me being down about everything and that I am taking blood thinners and I experienced nausea with my last pregnancy and the doctor said I can have nausea if I miscarried too.  So I have no way of knowing how tomorrow will go. I just have to keep praying everything will be okay OR if its not to give me strength and bring me peace.

Weekend

Over the weekend Brad and I went to College Station for our quarterly support meeting with our adoption agency, APO. It was a pretty quick trip- we woke up early on Saturday drove down, had lunch with my cousin, went to the meeting and headed home.   The meeting was good, it was basically over strengthening your marriage and relationship with God before you have kids. Then we went around the room and talked about where we are in the adoption process.  There were a lot of 1st time meeting attendees like ourselves.  There were actually three couples with their newly adopted (less than 6 months) babies.  When we first got there I was a little surprised there were babies in the room; with everything going on with me I am trying to avoid babies as much as possible so I don't have a complete emotional breakdown. But, by the end it was nice to hear of success stories and it just gave me a little hope that one day we will have  kids.  It was also some nice "Amanda and Brad" time- Brad has been working a lot so getting to spend lunch, dinner and 6 hours in a car was enough time together to get me through the next week, ha ha.

Now I am just waiting on my Wednesday appointment and PRAYING I hear/see a little heartbeat pounding away.

One week at a time

So, I went to the doctor this morning and the baby has shown small growth and there is still a little heartbeat- not necessarily strong but stronger and more visible than Monday.  I still have a 50/50 chance of miscarrying but at least I feel good today.

I go back to the doctor next Wednesday.  This week will be long but hopefully better than this past week. Thanks for the continued prayers and support.

“But if I were you, I would appeal to God;
    I would lay my cause before him.
He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
    miracles that cannot be counted. 
 He provides rain for the earth;
    he sends water on the countryside.

Job 5:8-10

Update

The last few days have been pretty emotional.  I started bleeding Sunday night and thought I was for sure having a miscarriage.  However, I went to the doctor Monday and she said the baby has shown slight growth and I have not miscarried; they classify this as a threaten miscarriage and with my history the outlook is grim.  I will go back Wednesday (tomorrow) for another check up.  All I can do is pray for a miracle. 

A reminder from a dear friend:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Some Bad Signs

I hate to seem pessimistic but this pregnancy seems to be following suit with all the other ones.  With all my pregnancies including this one I start having brown discharge at 6 weeks, see a heartbeat at 7 weeks, then miscarry before my 8 week appointment.  This week I started spotting again. In the past I thought the spotting was from the clots but this time I am on blood thinners so I don't know why I am bleeding except if its a sign I am miscarrying again.  I go back to the doctor on Wednesday, there is a part of me that wishes if I am going to miscarry then I would just go ahead and do it now instead of dragging it out another week. 

I have a friend that is experiencing her own problems getting pregnant and she told me one day she is living in a reality she never thought existed.  I am feeling that way now- the hurt is so overwhelming its hard to motivate myself to keep trying.  In some of my earlier post I mentioned not wanting to feel this way again but yet I am.......

All I can do is pray that God brings me peace and one day a baby.

Prayers

I have been writing blogs for the last few weeks and not publishing them but today I feel like I could really use some prayers.  Plus, I started this blog to share information with others about the process and pain of trying to start a family - through adoption or on our own. So....if you read down you will see what's been going on.

Hugs,
Amanda

Dream, Dream, Dream

I've been feeling not so pregnant this week.  I ended up cancelling an appointment for a sono today and probably should have kept it.  I will be 6 wks tomorrow and have no symptoms- I am not really even tired anymore.

Last night I prayed for God to keep this baby safe and let me meet/see him/her. That night I had a dream about having a perfect little boy.  It was the best dream ever- so much so that when I woke I was sad it was over.  I don't know if this dream was just a dream or God answering my prayers to see him- and if so what does that mean?  Do I need to be more specific about seeing the baby in 9 months, ha ha. 

Sometimes I wish I could somehow check myself everyday to see how the baby is doing. Trust me- I realize that is crazy but it sure would eliminate hours and days of worrying.....

It's All Worth It

I am giving myself an injection everyday and have had little bruising until Friday.  The direction are to pinch an area of skin, inject the needle at a 90 degree angle and slowly inject.  Well, I must have pressed to hard or injected to quickly because this bruise is MASSIVE.  Of course, I am sure the bruising is worse since I have now been on blood thinners for  a little over a week.  The shots are getting less and less painful but the problem now is I can't really give a shot on the left side of my stomach due to the bruising.

Divine Intervention?

I AM PREGNANT!  I am as surprised as anyone.  My last post I mentioned that we were going to wait until October, but I guess God had other plans.  Brad and I were even practicing "safe" sex and it happened! This is my 3rd pregnancy immediately following a detox; 4th pregnancy total.  I can't help but think that helped get my body ready for pregnancy and hormone levels on track.  I was so excited for my period to start and it never did- instead I was emotional, a tired wreck, and I even wrecked my car.  I've slept more in the last week than I have in...well, months!

I guess I don't have a problem getting pregnant; 4 pregnancies in 2 years.  My problem is keeping the pregnancy. Hopefully, we have found the solution as to why I was miscarrying and I will make it past 8 weeks and all the way to 40 (actually I will probably only go to 38 since I will be on blood thinners). Speaking of blood thinners, I am giving myself injections of blood thinner 1x per day, taking a baby aspirin 1x a day, and doing progesterone cream.  The shots hurt A LOT more than I thought they would; it burns and I have bruises all over my stomach and needles are just not fun. But every time I shoot myself I remember the reward will be worth all the  pain.

I am trying not to be scared and think of the worst but this is my 4th pregnancy and I can't help but be a little  nervous. However, I think at this point I really do know it is all out of my control.  I have had pregnancies where I worked out, didn't work out, drank a little caffeine, drank no caffeine, and so on and so on.  But this time I am just relaxing and going with the flow.  If I feel like working out then I work out if I want coffee or tea I choose decaf.

Adoption- house study

I have been somewhat absorbed with fertility stuff this month that I haven't really posted on the adoption stuff  ( as i type this I take a big SIGGGHHHHH).  A few weeks ago I received an email from the lady that did our home study; she had not completed the paperwork and need more information.  Well today I received the final copy of the home study, summarizing our meeting and giving us her "blessing" to move forward in the adoption process.  She is a very sweet and wonderful lady and a lot of the reason the paperwork was not completed was because Brad and I had forgotten to turn in some medical records. As part of the application we both needed to show we don't have TB, HIV or are druggies.  I can only imagine the looks that were going on behind my back when I was clarifying to the front desk that I need to have these test included in my physical.  Thank God I am not easily embarrassed by stuff like this!

 This has kind of been a weird process.  The typical process for our adoption agency is :
1. go to seminar
2.Submit Application - this is not a one page document but more like a text book of pages
3. Intake interview with agency.  This was a pretty intense interview about our faith and marriage.
4. Get accepted - and fill out more paperwork!
5. Have Home Study completed- this is another interview where they also check your home to make sure it is safe
6. complete Life book and turn in
7. Attend quarterly support meetings
8. Trust in God

well our steps went more like:
8,1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 5, and we haven't done 7 yet.

I mention all this because it was frustrating to think they rushed us to get our book in (which hindsight I am okay with) and then to think they may not have showing the book as often b/c the case worker never turned in our paperwork. 

Even though I am excited about trying to get pregnant again I am excited in a very different almost stronger way about getting a call that we have a match.

It all starts in October and I don't mean post season baseball!

Yep! there is another twist in my story.  I hesitate to even mention that I have another plan because I am starting to think that every time I have a plan God just laughs and before I know it the plan has changed. 

 I was supposed to have a PCT test done this week but I have decided to put it off. I got a weird feeling, a gut feeling that caused me to rethink my plan in working with this particular RE.  I think a part of it had to do with cost.  His office does not process insurance so we were having to pay everything upfront then I process the paperwork.    When he decided he wanted me to do a PCT that would cost me over $500 it made me realize that every sono and follow up would cost me around $400.  For the record, insurance companies are NOT  the quickest about paying you back! Not too mention, at our last appointment he talked slow and a little above my head.  To be honest the meeting was not enough about me- I mean if I am going to talk to you for over a hour then I better have a good idea of what is in store for me.   Instead, I had to email the nurse the next day to get clarification on the next steps.   The only thing I could remember from our appointment was a story about New York and horse pooper scoopers back in the pre car era. If you really want to know the story I can tell you:)

Once this "feeling" started I decided to get a second opinion from a previous RE I worked with- I figure another opinion can never hurt.  I met with her on Tuesday and she said pretty much the same thing- I would take a baby aspirin and do blood thinner injections.  The only difference is she would have me take clomid to help get a strong follicle. We only met for about 30 minutes but I got more out of that 30 minutes than I did the 1.5 hours I was with the other doctor.  She talked all about me and what she sees as the best plan and why.

So, our TTC will begin in October.  I am actually relieved that it is not this month.  I guess that might sound weird, but after almost 2 years of trying what's another month:) It actually is a good month to be stress free,  it is Brad and mine's birthday month, I am back into a good workout routine ( i recently ran a PR 10K), and work is going great so I guess I want to enjoy it a bit longer.  I guess that means October will bring playoff baseball stress and the stress of TTC..... Cheers to September fun!

Baby Making Time

I am a bullet point type person so here is short version.  We will try to conceive without chlomid (at least for now) then once (staying positive) I conceive I will begin taking 1 baby aspirin 1x a day and heparin injection 2x a day for 38 weeks.  The injections will be the hardest part, they are self administrated into the stomach- YUCK!  This first go-round I will need to go in for a post coital exam (PCT) to ensure the sperm is able to get through then once that happens I will begin with progesterone gel and blood thinners.

The doctor advised the usually, no caffeine or alcohol  which I am fine with, but when I asked about exercising he said only walking is allowed the first trimester.  I have finally gotten back into groove of working out so this really bummed me out but it is not forever so I can deal with it.

So it looks like we have the green light and are set to start trying in the next few weeks.  This is Brad and mine's birthday month and so far bday month is starting off pretty well.... Hope it keeps getting better!

Patience

This perfectly timed poem was sent from my dear friend Kelly.  It is from a friend of hers that also blogs.   Late yesterday afternoon I received an email from our adoption agency's case worker,  she had not finished our home study that was conducted in early June and need additional information.  She asked me a few follow up questions but all I could think was why has this been put off 2 months??  Then today, I received a call from my RE's nurse and she said I need more blood work.   When all you want is to have a baby, even the smallest hurdles can seem so big sometimes.  I don't want anything delayed....I have a plan in mind.  I should really stop planning, ha!!

  God does speak...just sometimes through other people.  THANKS KELLY!


♥ WAIT ♥

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

Diagnosis

I finally received my blood work results.  The good news is most of it came back normal- I do not have  lupus or some serious thyroid problem but the one test that was not normal was the anti-phospholipid.  I am not 100% sure what all that means but from what I can find on Google it is an auto immune disorder that causes blood clotting.  The odd thing I was told I was tested for blood clotting after my 2nd miscarriage, but maybe there are many things that can cause blood clotting- who knows?!?  The nurse I spoke with today did confirm that having this disorder can cause miscarriages.  I have an appointment next week with the doctor to go over the results and develop a plan to get me a baby :)

Good website on my diagnosis that it explains it better than I can:

http://www.apsfa.org/aps.htm

On the adoption front, we are still waiting/praying for the call.

August 30th 2012

Today would have been the birth day of my 2nd baby.  Ironically, instead of giving birth I will find out if I can or should get pregnant again.  Oddly enough I am not as depressed as I thought I would be.  Instead I am  anxious for the letter to arrive from my doctor- via snail mail he is very old school- and keep running through a thousand scenarios in my head of what he will say.  I have accepted that my pregnancy story will never be a short, easy and wonderful one but it will be my story and once we have a little one around I am sure all the pain I have been through the last 2 years will be worth it.

Feeling like myself again

I am on my 2nd week of a detox.  This detox is pretty simple, basically you just can't eat breads, sugars, dairy, and nuts.  You drink a shake in the morning that helps "cleanse" your system and by doing all of this your hormone levels get back on track, you feel better, and look better.  I have done this detox many times but honestly I cheat on it sometimes. I figure a glass of wine now and then doesn't hurt....wine comes from grapes, right? HA! Ironically, I did this detox before two of my pregnancies- is that one of the things that help me get pregnant?  Who knows!?!  It is just another piece in my infertility story.   When I am pregnant I am worried if I work out too hard I will overheat and hurt the baby and while I am not pregnant I am working out, dieting, and stressing about my weight, meanwhile mad at myself for wasting months out of the gym for what ended up being nothing..... I have never been one of those people that could eat anything they wanted- I used to get so irritated that a certain best friend of mine could eat anything she wanted and lose weight while if I ate the same I would gain 5lbs immediately.  Everybody is different and every BODY is different- that is so much more true to me now.

This time I am sticking to the detox pretty hard core and I have noticed I am beginning to look a little thinner, feel better and have more energy.  It is really amazing how much better I feel when I don't eat processed foods....even though I love them so!  Cookies, ice cream, bread- yum!! I finally decided to read a book Brad has had for a long time The Paleo Solution.  I have only read the first few chapters so far but already I am in shock and feel like he is talking about parts of my life.  I had my gallbladder removed and I am being tested for immune system disorders- the same problems he discusses.  I feel like that commercial with the donuts and soccer practice is so true- you are what you eat.  If I eat a whole bunch of chemically altered food- basically poisoned food- then I should not be surprised my body is being affected by it and reacting. Would I drink poison? Obviously no, so why do I do eat food that contains poison- oh yeah because it taste so good. I am not saying I will never eat bread, cookies or cheese again but it sure will make we think twice before taking a bite!

I am really starting to feel like myself again.  I don't know if it is the detox,  just the fact that time has passed since my miscarriages and grandma's funeral, or the fact that I have actually gone a month without anything serious happening but it feels so good! I am happier and don't feel like just sleeping all the time.  I am at a place right now where I almost dread starting the "TTC" process again and even more dread finding out my results from my blood work.  Will my world get rocked again by being told the results?  Will nothing be wrong and therefore I am just back where I was 9 months ago?  When I am trying to get pregnant or when I am pregnant I tend to be an emotional and obsessive basket case- I hate it- so I guess avoiding the process has been in a way, good for me. But, there will be no more avoiding after this week, I am just praying that the blood work shows minor- fixable- problems.  I know God has a plan.....I just kind of wish I knew what it was:)
  
 Detox information: 21 day Body Makeover

Stand Still

Okay, just wanted to give a little update on the adoption process.  Evidently, the birth mom has cut off communication with the agency.  This happens sometimes but they are pretty sure that she will pop up again soon.  Meanwhile, they will continue to show our book to others moms if needed. 
As far as fertility stuff goes, I am still waiting to hear back on my blood work.  Hopefully I will hear something next week!
Happy Friday!!

More Blood Work

Today I went in to get a pregnancy loss panel done- bascially a lot of blood work.  They took 10 tubes of blood, I'm surprised I didn't pass out , ha ha.   Through this blood test they are going to check to see if I have  over-activity in my immune system which basically means checking to see if my body attacks the pregnancy.   I should have the results back in about 2 weeks and from there plan out the next steps.  There is a part of me that wants something to come back so I can have a reason as to why I have miscarried but on the other hand I really don't want to have any major problems.

Here is a list of type of test they are running and what it is checking for:
APA
ANA
ATA
LA
APPT
PT
ETA- don't know
Igg,M,A
Nka
RIPh- don't know

As far as adoption, we are still waiting to hear back from the adoption agency.  I guess at this point no news is good news.

Adoption Update

Talked to our agency today and the birth mom is still trying to make a decision.  I can only imagine the stress she is under.  We will just keep praying!  I know if it is meant to be it will be!

River weekend

Brad and I had a much needed weekend getaway with great friends. It's always hard to be around pregnant women and babies but I think I handled it pretty well- no emotional breakdowns. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with knowing a birth mom is looking at our book so it takes a little of the pain away. It's almost becoming an inside joke with me , that anytime I meet a new person and they are pregnant-they are due the same time I would have been. This weekend both pregnant girls are due within a week of what my due dates were for my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy. I realize the odds get better since I've had three miscarriages but it still is pretty ironic.
Big stuff coming in the next two weeks. We find out this week about a possible adoption and in two weeks I have my immune system tested. With all of that I'm even more grateful for such wonderful friends inviting us to the river for probably my last weekend of "partying" (if you can call it partying when you go to bed before 11pm), ha ha.

Checking out our book

Okay! So a birthmom should be looking at our book tomorrow! I'll keep everyone updated.  Please pray for us and her!

bittersweet weekend

This weekend my family went through my grandmother's house.  It was so bittersweet.  It was great reminiscing but sad because we knew it was one of the last times we would see her house the way it looked before she passed.  It was also hard deciding what I wanted to keep to remember her, so many of those memories are intangible but more so it was tough to think about if I had a child would they want this or that or would they appreciate books that I read as a little girl.  It is all emotional thinking of the family, losses and wants.

come on phone call with some good news:)

Relax and Decompress

Boy! Did I need this past weekend.  Even though I had class for most of the day on Saturday the rest of the weekend was spent relaxing and reflecting.  I even was a bad friend and cancelled on some friends so I could spend time with Brad and by myself.   Brad's grandma better known as Ganmommy, went into the hospital on Thursday.  So, at dinner Saturday and Sunday with Brad we spent a good amount of time talking about our grandparents, the tough year we have had so far, and yet how we have been blessed with so many things this year as well.

Our church service Sunday made me really reflect. I probably missed the message the pastor was trying to send but it still spoke to me.  He asked us to write out something that we try to control- he used the word joykill.  "If there is anything you do that has become a joykill". Well, sadly trying to start a family has become that.  When you are pregnant it is supposed to be the happiest time of your life- instead for me I am hormonal, tired, and completely stressed about everything I do physically or everything I eat.  So, Sunday I wrote that I want to really stop feeling that and let God really control it....let's see how well I do at not trying to control everything, ha ha.

On the adoption front, I just want to ask for anyone that reads this to please pray for a birth mother to open up her heart and mind and ask to meet with us. 

July 7th 2012

I think I will remember this year for a long time.  My life has been an emotional roller coaster and every time I think it is calming down the phone rings. Its either a doctor or family member.  When the doctors call it seems its about how my hormone levels are not where they should be or I need to come in for more testing- I have given so much blood I could feed a family of vampires for a year, ha.

This year I have not only received tough calls about my pregnancy but about family as well.  My grandad (who passed away in January), my dad, and Friday a call about my grandma.    I grew up one house down from my grandma.  I can still smell her pancakes any time I come across the Smurfs on TV- Ben and I would run down to her house every Saturday morning, eat pancakes, and watch the Smurfs.  She was so loving and really taught me that family is important- family always loves you.  I could write out a thousand memories my grandma and I shared but one more recently was when I told her I was adopting.  She was so happy- she made me tell everyone at a family dinner- even my little cousins who probably were just like "okay".  She was just happy that I wasn't giving up on trying to have a family.  She told me that there is nothing in life that can compare to having a family and she was so right. 


Her passing is hard for me.  I am so lucky to have spent so many meaningful days with her and that a little piece of her will always live on through me. I am comforted by the fact that she is no longer in pain and I know she is in Heaven with my Grandpa Beasley, Uncle Billy, and my sweet angels.

I have to be honest, I am waiting for some happy news.  Hopefully, the second half 2012 will treat me better than the first.  One thing I can be sure of its all in God's hands....thankfully I know that with him I can get through anything!


Me and Grandma celebrating her 80th birthday. 

Still "trying"

Even though Brad and I are super excited to adopt we still want to try and have a child.  I think that desire to see a child that looks like you and experience pregnancy really never goes away.

I am always amazed about how the medical industry views miscarriages.  After the first one, they acted like no big deal it happens to everyone.  After the second, my doctor started doing more testing which all came back negative.  Then after the third she recommended a doctor that works with women who have had multiple miscarriages.  I wish she would have recommended him right away but I understand why she didn't; the testing can be expensive. One thing that still blows my mind is that after my last miscarriage the technician that confirmed there was no longer a heartbeat told me her friend went through 10 miscarriages- 10!  That poor girl and the emotional and physical roller coaster.   Three was bad enough but 10- at what point do you stop trying?  She had 10 before she got pregnant.  I guess you just know somewhere deep inside that it will happen. 

Well, I took my OB's advice and went to a fertility specialist, Dr. Marynick, he is known for doing more "out of the box" testing.  Brad and I met with him about a week ago and feel good about working with him and taking the next steps into more testing.  Basically, he will test my immune system to see if my body is "attacking" the pregnancy and offer some kind of treatment if a problem is found.  The next steps are as follows: 1. Wait until my body is back to normal (hormone levels,etc)  2. Begin testing  3. Start trying again.

I seriously considered stopping after my 3rd miscarriage and "walking away".  I have met a lot of great people and heard wonderful stories and advice.  One of those people told me, that sometimes your family isn't how you imagined it would be but it doesn't make it any less perfect.   It's all really exhausting but I guess it is worth the time, effort and money for a family through adoption or otherwise:)

My Calling

I feel so lucky and blessed to have friends, family and most importantly a husband that loves me.  It's funny how through all of our pain of trying to have a family has brought us closer together and to God.   It is so comforting to know that when I have been at my most vulnerable Brad has been there to get me through it.   Now, I will say that our recent retail therapy has helped.  After the awful  hail storm we both ended up with new cars, yay us! 

For me, talking about what is going on has been helpful; I realize it is not that common for people to talk about stuff like this.  I always wanted to be one of those people that could openly talk about their views on religion and witness to others but was always afraid of bringing up such topics at work or in other social settings.  Yet again, it is funny how God works.  I am now eager to tell people about how God has shown himself to me- the most vivid was after my 2nd miscarriage.  I was crying/screaming and asking the Lord why is this happening then almost like a light shining down, a comforting feeling came over me and I then knew we would adopt.   It is amazing how freeing it is to just trust in the Lord and know your plan can never be as great as his.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you will be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.  James 1:2-4, 12-

FAQ's

The adoption process can bring up a lot of questions.  Here are some of the more frequent ones I get- I am sure I am missing some but it gives you an idea.

FAQ's
1. Are you adopting a boy or girl?
     We are open to a boy or girl.
2. Are you adopting domestically or internationally?
     We are doing an open adoption domestically.  Most of the birth mothers live in or around College Station.
3. What ethnicity are you considering?
      We are open to any race/ethnicity. 
4. How much does it cost?
    This is a tricky question.  Every agency is different, our agency is relatively inexpensive compared to other agencies.   There is also a tax credit available.
5. What agency are you working with?
    Aggieland Pregnancy Outreach
6. What is open adoption?
     Open adoption means you have a connection with the birth family.  Ideally, they are in the child's life and the child knows from an early age he/she is adopted.   A good analogy I heard was comparing your relationship to the birth family like your relationship with in-laws or cousins.  


Regarding open adoption- Brad and I had our fears with it before we went to our first seminar and became more educated in the process.  Open adoption doesn't mean a crazy mom is going to come try and steal your baby because she knows where you live.    It means that the child always know he/she was never given up but loved.

There is a great overview on open adoption for adoptive parents and birth mothers on this website:
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/adoption/openadoptionadvantages.htm

The New Desire

Brad and I are adopting! It has been a long yet quick process. For about 19months we have been trying to have kids but sadly I have had three miscarriages during that time.   We have always wanted to adopt, but thought it would be something we did later in life, however, after our 2nd miscarriage we really felt God pushing us to adopt now.  Every time I read a story of a neglected child or saw/heard stuff about adoption my heart grew stronger and stronger.  I just knew God was telling us to adopt.

The adoption process is a wild one.  We were lucky enough to have friends through church that knew of a small Christian based agency in......College station. I know weird.... .   I immediately looked up information on the agency and it looked great-  but they asked three things of prospective adoptive families- 1. You must be married more than 3 years (check) 2. You must be Christians and attend the same church (check).  3. One parent must commit to not working more than 20 hours per week during the first few years of the child's life----WHAT??  As I mentioned, in my first post, Brad just graduated law school so our plan was to pay off his college loans as quick as possible, well one income puts a big damper on that plan!  That same day Brad was contacted by another firm about possible job that would give him an increase in pay.   I am always amazed of how God works- just when we were about to walk away from this agency God intervened. In March we went down to our first seminar and fell in love with the agency.  They really care about the birth moms and children. They provide counseling to all parties so that transition from birth mother to adoptive family is as smooth as possible and God is the center of their work.

After the seminar, we began the paperwork- there is A LOT of paperwork.  Our fist packet was about 15-16 pages about our relationship, personality, walk with Jesus, and thoughts/preferences on adoption.  After that we had a somewhat invasive interview with the agency, then more paperwork!   Last week we had another interview and house study with a social worker.  Today we are sending in our final paperwork and life book.   FYI- a life book is like a scrapbook of your life.   I'll keep everyone posted on when we get "the call"

What brought me to this point

I am writing this blog to document the troubles and my journey through 3miscarriages and trying to get pregnant. Through all of this God has put a new desire in my heart.
There are times I am completely heartbroken and cry and cry and cry.  I found many blogs and articles that helped with my miscarriage and maybe my story will help someone through their journey for a family.  Also, its an easy way to keep everyone updated:)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3: 5-6