Seems like it was all a dream

To say the last few days have been a whirl wind would be a complete understatement.  I would love to tell you all about my work trip to Costa Rica and how cool it was to see monkeys, iguanas and laid in complete relaxation and I did .....but much more happened on this trip.   Wednesday night I received an email from Brad asking me to call him- I immediately thought something was wrong.  Instead, I found out we were asked to foster-adopt a 14 month old baby and his unborn baby brother due in 10wks.  The mom is/was in an abusive relationship and CPS has stepped in and removed the children.  Our agency doesn't really work with foster-to-adopt situations but since this mom had been connected to the agency in a mom support group our agency was trying to offer the best scenario for her and the children.  Needless to say Brad and I were on board and neither one of us slept that night or the next!   After going back and fourth with our agency we found out Thursday night that the birth mother chose us and Brad was to leave the next day to go meet our soon to be son. So Brad and I immediately got our AMAZING friends on the job to help us get a home ready for a 14th month in 2 days.  Then, as Brad was heading to College station to meet the 14th month old and begin the bonding process the agency called and said the mom has backed out.  The 14th month is going with his paternal grandparents and supposedly her unborn child will go there too even though this baby is from a different dad-weird.

Needless to say, we are emotionally exhausted. Since I had not slept in 2 days the news of this, I guess, physically knocked me out.  I slept all day Friday not seeing the sun and trying to understand and get a hold of all of the emotions.

Now, I am somehow feeling okay.  Since those days were basically sleepless, I felt like I was a little delirious and its hard to recall all of the events.  It really feels like it was all a bad dream.

With all of this said-I know the only way Brad and I are holding together is the power of prayer.  Our family and friends have shown us so much support and have been praying and all I can say is the power of prayer is so real and if you sit back you can feel it.

So, I am going to keep praying for those sweet little baby boys that would have been a part of my family today.  I pray for their safety and pray their mom opens her heart again to the idea of adoption.

hugs,
Amanda

Ups Out Number the Downs

It is no secret to anyone close to me that when I am sad or even scared I like to watch Disney movies- especially the older ones-I know weird!  Some of my favorites are Disney's Robin Hood and Mary Poppins- I mean who doesn't love those movies, right?   After my last miscarriage I watched Robin Hood and there was a song that has kind of stuck in my head ever since.  It goes something like "..sometimes ups out number downs but not in Nottingham."  Over the last two years I feel that my downs have out numbered my ups- so in a way I am/was living in Nottingham. I really don't think about that song or the meaning much but I have a friend going through a hard time and I recently asked her how she was doing she said "up and down" since then I have been singing that dang song and thinking about the meaning- too bad I don't know any of the other words, ha!  I guess I have realized that lately my ups are lasting longer and when I get down its only for a short time. Finally, I feel like this year is starting to even out and hopefully by the end of the year my ups will out number my downs.

I hope Disney doesn't sue me for posting a picture of one of their movies on my blog.... (all my teacher friends should giggle at that one).

Spring Training

I arrived in Surprise, AZ Friday to watch a little Rangers spring training. It was freezing cold Saturday and I didn't really notice how few kids were there. Well, then Monday came around and wow- there were hundreds of kids . I normally really love being around kids but there have been a few moments on this trip when it makes me sad I'm not here with children of my own.  The first example, is a little bit funny and mean. As Dad and I were waiting in line to enter the fields there was a brother and sister playing catch... well trying to play. They were awful especially for their age- I know I am mean but the boy threw like kid on the car commercial. All I could think of was if those were my kids I would teach them how to throw and catch.... And not let them look like dorks, ha!

The rest of the examples are just a series of families - grandparents , parents and kids all hanging out having fun memorable family time and I just keep thinking I wonder if I'll be able to come back here with my kids and my parents. I also wonder if seeing all the little kids with their grandparents bothers my dad. I doubt it does but can't help but be reminded of how all of my fertility problems affects more people than just me.

Yu Darvish

Like a When You Get Punched in the Nose

Have you ever been punched in the nose before?  I have many times in karate; you can't help but cry- your eyes water and you try to stop but you can't.

Well at church on Sunday I got punched in the nose....well kind of.  There was a video clip  of an elderly woman going through a box of memories.  There were all of these sweet memories of like when she got married and when they bought their first house, then one of her memories was being at the doctor office, in the clip it cuts to a picture of a sonogram and a lady saying "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat".  A phrase I have heard too many times and in a split second I was trying to fight back tears but just like getting punched in the nose I couldn't stop it.  Luckily, I had tissues with me so was able to hide it a bit but it took a while for my emotions to calm down.  In fact, it took 5 hours after church to even bring it up.  Of course, Brad noticed it at church but it's not the type of thing that's fun to talk about. 

Prior to Sunday I really thought I was over the emotional breakdown part but what I realized was it still hurts as bad today as it did every time I heard " I'm sorry there is no heartbeat".  What I have done better at is protecting myself; I give myself a little pep talk before talking to someone who just got pregnant or just had a baby.  I try to avoid situations or conversations that will make me feel sad. I guess all of this is just a band-aide but it helps.  So I will continue to protect myself and hope my church doesn't spring anything like that on me again,ha:) !

just a little bragging

Part of my new year's goals and resolution was to travel and feel emotionally and physically stronger.  Well I just wanted to brag and give a little one month in report.  Physically, I am feeling so much stronger; I am doing things I never thought I could.  For example, I can now do a handstand- its against the wall but still I can do it!  This is a huge accomplishment since the first time I tried to do it I fell on my head twice, ha!  Today, not only did I get up multiple times but I was able to hold it for 30 seconds.  Emotionally, I over came a fear and took a handgun class- I learned how to shoot and was actually not bad. I still have a ways to go but again it was something I never thought I would do.  Next and probably most importantly I have kept up with my bible reading plan.  Finally, on the travel part, I already have 4 vacations scheduled this year and all occur before August.  After feeling like I lived 2011 and 2012 in hibernation 2013 is shaping up to be a pretty good year!

Adoption Meeting

This past weekend Brad and I went to our quarterly adoption support meeting.  It was not the most uplifting meeting but it was good to hear- nice reality check.  The topic was Birth Mothers (BM) who change their minds.  Evidently, last year was one of the toughest years the agency has had on BM's changing their mind at the hospital.  The stories shared last weekend were heartbreaking but even some of those heartbreaking stories had happy endings. One family even was strong enough to do a 30 day trail with the BM keeping the baby.  I couldn't imagine not knowing for 30 days if I was going to have a baby or not.  Overall, it was nice to be in a room of strong supporting people and I am very grateful for our agency.

Then, a topic at church Sunday tied in perfectly to what I experienced on Saturday at the meeting; I was able to see God in other people's lives and learn from them.  In fact, one girl at the meeting said you can't go around being scared that an adoption might not be successful you just have to trust that the right outcome will happen and if it isn't what you expected God will THEN give you the strength to overcome it.  I think this speaks to not just adoption but everything in life.  Living in fear is not the way to live. If someone would have told me after my first miscarriage that I wouldmiscarry three more times and survive I would have thought they were crazy!!  After my first miscarriage I thought it was physically and emotionally impossible for me to go through that kind of pain again and still be normal.  But only by the strength of God I have become even stronger through this process- I just have to remember to look to Him for guidance, strength and peace. 

Waiting

I have been thinking and praying a lot about our adoption process lately.  I keep having this feeling that the phone will ring any minute and the true process will start.  I have always said my worst characteristic was that I was impatient.  So for  a person who hates waiting the adoption process is killer!  I realized too, that in some of my previous posts it seemed like I thought 2012 was only filled with heartache and loss and even though there was a lot of heartache and loss it was also the year we decided to start the adoption process. I wish I could explain the feeling it brings me to think that I will have baby that God picked and placed just for us.  I have found an odd peace about our infertility situation- we will probably try again but not for a while.  So, I will continue to wait for the phone to ring and/or until I am ready to try again. Wait, wait, wait, wait.....I hate waiting.