Reassurance

I always pray for guidance/ signs/ reassurance that I am doing what God wants me to do.

Friday we had a great talk with our new agency.  Long story short, once we get all of our paperwork complete, our profile could potentially be shown up to 30x a month!!!  Hearing the agency contact tell us that was such a reassurance that we are moving in the right direction. I would bet that our book with the last agency wasn't shown 30x in a year.  We still have a long ways to go on getting everything set up but if you know me you know I am a doer and like to get stuff done quickly!

Then Saturday at an amazing leadership retreat for Junior League the topic came up and there was only one out of 35 women there was adopted.....and she was my roommate and she is already such a blessing in my life.  Immediately, once I mentioned Brad and I were adopting and without me prompting any questions she told me her relationship, acceptance and journey of being adopted.  Her experience has been great- she told me that the mom that raised her is her mom and she doesn't even question or have any split feelings.  She also added me to her prayer list- a girl by at that point I had known less than 24 hrs.  Lastly, she gave me some great ideas for the video profile, etc.

I have been feeling some very strong feelings of peace and am grateful for all the prayers of support.

My favorite verse:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6

Next Steps

Today we met with our doctor. Basically, there is absolutely no medical reason why I should not be able to get pregnant. My doctor still sounded a little shocked that it didn't work.  She explained there are three factors that go into a failed IVF cycle.  1. Uterus- by all accounts everything they have tested shows that my uterus and lining is perfectly normal.  2. Transfer problems- sometimes during the process of actually transferring the embryos there can be problems.  During my transfer there were no problems.  3. Genetic problems- unfortunately science/medicine cannot check  for every possible genetic issue, from what has been tested my eggs have been fine.  Which means there is still a chance there is a genetic problem they just can't tell.

So in summary, there is really no reason why the IVF cycled failed or why I have had multiple miscarriages. 

As for our next steps and the doctors recommendation.  She still thinks I can get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy but who knows how long it will take.  I could keep doing IVF and spending tens of thousands of dollars or try on our own again and she would help with medication and timing.

I am not sure what we will do. I lean towards trying again on our own for a while.  The scary part of that is I know I can get pregnant......I just fear having another miscarriage. 

While we are not 100% sure if we will try again on our own or by IVF we have decided to proceed with the new adoption agency.  We have a call with the agency Friday,  I will update on that after we talk.  

Finally, this songs speaks to me and just everything I have been through and some how gives me strength to just keep going.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming

For the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Having a Glass of Wine

Well, disappointment, sadness and confusion are back.  This morning I cheated and took an early pregnancy test and it showed negative. Starting yesterday I had the strong feeling that I was not pregnant so I at 6:15am this morning I went to Albertsons and bought a test.  When it showed negative I was heart broken and knew it was correct. I still went in for blood work and searched thousands of fertility forums trying to hold on to a tiny bit of hope.  But the nurse called me this afternoon and confirmed that I was in fact not pregnant.

I am having so many different emotions.  I am questioning and possibly even having a hard time understanding what's God's plan for me.....does it really involve me not having a child of my own? I pray every night God would bless me with a child.

I feel like a failure as a wife-Brad has super sperm but I can't get/stay pregnant.

I am mad at myself for putting myself through this again and feeling the pain and sadness all over again.  The only comfort I have is knowing that I least its not as painful as  a miscarriage but still hurts.

I am not sure what our next steps will be.  I know based on my AMH levels if we want a child of our own we have to keep trying now but financially I don't know how much we can do....my insurance ended up not covering any of the meds, testing or lab work so we paid all out of pocket. 

For now, I am going to sit back and have a HUGE glass of wine;) 

Thanks to everyone that has been praying for us.  Having support through this is probably what made it seem so easy.

LOVE AND HUGS!!

Amanda

Bruising

So bruising has officially taken over.  Since I am on blood thinners what would be a little bruise turns into a huge one.  Right now  I have a golf size bruise on my right butt cheek and half- dollar size on my left but the worst is on my stomach.  Both have started hurting as well- in fact sometimes at night when I roll over the pain wakes me up.  Also, since starting all of this I have gained weight-most of it due to the medications and not being to do more than walk 30mins as a work out.  So, with gaining weight my pants are little bit tighter.  Yesterday I wore a pair of pants to church that were a little snug in the waist.....bad idea!  the pressure from the pants on an already bruised area turned the lower half of my stomach into one HUGE bruise probably about the size of a large avocado PLUS there are dark lines throughout.  It is soooo gross looking but at least the stomach bruise doesn't hurt.

I only have 3 more days of the progesterone shot in the booty then if I get a positive pregnancy test I can switch to another form of progesterone.  "Lord help me to be patient and strong"

As far as symptoms, I have not felt anything.  Maybe a few twinges or throbbing in my stomach  but nothing big.  At least, besides the bruising I am feeling pretty normal.  And I know in the end it will be worth it.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5: 1-5

Transfer Complete

Everything went really well yesterday.  They implanted 2 embryos hopefully at least one sticks!!

I have been laying around for almost 24hrs- only getting up to grab food and use the restroom.

I will have take it easy the next week and half until my pregnancy test on Thursday Aug 22nd.  Hopefully, I can stay calm during this wait period and not stress to much!! I just pray those little ones have found a nice home and continue to grow grow grow:)

Thanks again for all of the love, support, prayers!!! This has been a pretty crazy journey....and hopefully it has just begun:)

Transfer Set and Update on Shots

First off, my retrieval went very very well.  I have felt great with little discomfort!

After the retrieval, the embryologist plans on calling you with an update on Day 1, Day 3 then if needed Day 5.  Day 1, Friday I received a call saying that all five of my embryos fertilized- which was such a good feeling.  As a reminder, I didn't have a high number of folicles, especially compared to other women my age.

They told me that based on my history, they were actually going to do a day 2 look and evaluate if I would go in for a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer. So, Saturday as I was awaiting their call when........ my cell phone stopped working...I was such a wreck but luckily I was able to access my voice mail through Brad's phone and got their message that I had 3 graded excellent and 2 graded good so my retrieval would definitely be on Tuesday.  Then yesterday they called again with my Day 3 update and the new update on my embryos were 2 excellent, 2 good, and 1 average.

Friday, I also started a shot of Lovenox (blood thinner) in my stomach 1x per day, 1 baby aspirin, and a shot of progesterone....administered by Brad in my upper butt.   Surprisingly, the shot Brad is giving me hasn't been that bad and Brad has been great with the exception of being silly right before he gives it to me "threatening" to hurt me if I back talk, ha ha ha.  At least it keeps the mood light hearted.  The Lovenox, as expected, is awful!  It burns going in but it's not unbearable.

My transfer is tomorrow (Tuesday) at 12:15pm.  I pray this works- that my body is receptive and strong.  I know the road ahead is still going to be hard.  Assuming it works, I hope that by being on progesterone and blood thinners early will help with implantation and help me carry the baby full term.

Lastly, I am so grateful for all of the love and prayers of my family and friends.  I am confident this is the reason I have been relatively stress free and again feeling really good.

Update- Retrieval Tomorrow

Sorry for not updating sooner.  I went in yesterday for a sono and everything looked good to proceed to retrieval.  Retrieval is tomorrow morning so prayers are welcomed!!  I listed the details from the sono below.  I will know tomorrow how many they were actually able to retrieve and Saturday will find out when the transfer day will be. 

Details from Sono:

8 Follicles

4 Mature

Next Steps:

Retrieval- Thursday at 7:30am

Implantation - TBD

        - Day 3 = Sunday

        - Day 5 = Tuesday

 Friday- I will start baby aspirin, lovanox shot, and progesterone shot

Now, the progesterone shot will be administered by Brad in the butt at the same time every night.  If you all would like to watch this video of what he will have to do to me see the link below.  For 2 weeks he will be stabbing me in the butt.  God bring me strength!

http://www.freedommedteach.com/player/Videos.aspx  (progesterone link)

In other news, I took the HCG (trigger) shot last night.  Oh if there could have been a camera watching me. I was so determined to get every last bit of the medication out of the vial that it took me forever....then once I finally got all of it I spilled a bit.  Oh and to top it off I ended up with a big knot and bruise from the shot- AHHHH!!!  I went almost 2 weeks with very little bruising or bumps then the last day I injure myself.  Typical. 

Thank you all so much for the continued prayers and support.  It is all in God's hands and I just hope He blesses us with a baby:)