Adoption Meeting

This past weekend Brad and I went to our quarterly adoption support meeting.  It was not the most uplifting meeting but it was good to hear- nice reality check.  The topic was Birth Mothers (BM) who change their minds.  Evidently, last year was one of the toughest years the agency has had on BM's changing their mind at the hospital.  The stories shared last weekend were heartbreaking but even some of those heartbreaking stories had happy endings. One family even was strong enough to do a 30 day trail with the BM keeping the baby.  I couldn't imagine not knowing for 30 days if I was going to have a baby or not.  Overall, it was nice to be in a room of strong supporting people and I am very grateful for our agency.

Then, a topic at church Sunday tied in perfectly to what I experienced on Saturday at the meeting; I was able to see God in other people's lives and learn from them.  In fact, one girl at the meeting said you can't go around being scared that an adoption might not be successful you just have to trust that the right outcome will happen and if it isn't what you expected God will THEN give you the strength to overcome it.  I think this speaks to not just adoption but everything in life.  Living in fear is not the way to live. If someone would have told me after my first miscarriage that I wouldmiscarry three more times and survive I would have thought they were crazy!!  After my first miscarriage I thought it was physically and emotionally impossible for me to go through that kind of pain again and still be normal.  But only by the strength of God I have become even stronger through this process- I just have to remember to look to Him for guidance, strength and peace. 

Waiting

I have been thinking and praying a lot about our adoption process lately.  I keep having this feeling that the phone will ring any minute and the true process will start.  I have always said my worst characteristic was that I was impatient.  So for  a person who hates waiting the adoption process is killer!  I realized too, that in some of my previous posts it seemed like I thought 2012 was only filled with heartache and loss and even though there was a lot of heartache and loss it was also the year we decided to start the adoption process. I wish I could explain the feeling it brings me to think that I will have baby that God picked and placed just for us.  I have found an odd peace about our infertility situation- we will probably try again but not for a while.  So, I will continue to wait for the phone to ring and/or until I am ready to try again. Wait, wait, wait, wait.....I hate waiting.

Goals and new year resolutions

For the past few years I have written my goals for the year.  Most were simple, like finally reading a book all the way through, running a race, praying more consistently, etc.  However, the last two years, my goals for myself have been overshadowed and dominated by my desire to have a successful pregnancy.  I tend to be a competitive person, even against myself, so not achieving this "goal" has really challenged the way I think of myself- I feel defeated.  After this last miscarriage I decided I need a little break to travel and feel the success of achieving something.  So, Brad and I have decided to run a half- marathon this Spring/Summer.  I am SUPER DUPER excited; this will be my first half- marathon and Brads second.  On top of running I have started Crossfit- I have been resisting Crossfit for a long time (if you have ever hung out with someone who is a die hard crossfitter you understand why- they are annoying) but I really need something to push me and feel stronger inside and out. Lastly, and probably the hardest will be reading the bible all the way through.  Our church is going to walk through it together and they have suggested some reading plans they seem doable.  I tried just reading the New Testament last year and only made it through April.....I am hoping with the support of our church I will be able to actually finish!

2012 was a rough year for me. I lost my two remaining grandparents and suffered three miscarriages and while there is a part of me that wants to get down and cry I am not going to do that!  I need to move on- be happy and enjoy life.  I am really excited about 2013. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Here's to a better 2013!

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.  Romans 5: 1-5

2 years later

I had my hysteroscopy and I am not surprised that NOTHING is wrong.  I am happy nothing is wrong but also sad that there is no medical reason why I am miscarrying.

After the appointment, I reflected back on this process. December 2010 was when we decided to start trying and last December 24th we found out we were pregnant with pregnancy #2.   I had no idea what my life had in store for me and as I sit here I really don't know what will happen in 2013 but i pray there is a baby this year!! 

Test, Test, and More Tests

Just wanted to provide a little update. I will finally have my hysteroscopy  a week from today.  So much for a vacation, the first two days off work I get to spend at doctor's offices.   I really don't know what to expect but in a weird way hope they find something very fixable.  The procedure itself is very simple and I might just experience some cramping afterwards. 

I will update once I get my results!

Meanwhile, Merry Christmas!!!

Interpreting Groans of My Heart

I love going to church, especially when the message seems to relate perfectly to things going on in my life.  Sunday the message was about hope.  Hope that better things are to come.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  Romans 8: 18
 
Wow! Did I need that reminder or what!?!  I feel like its a struggle everyday to keep a smile on my face and not get discouraged.  There was also one point when the pastor was talking about praying and not knowing how or what to say.  I felt like he was reading my mind. Here lately I have felt like a ping pong match goes on in my head while I pray.  I pray for patience, strength, and peace but then there is the part of me that is screaming and begging for a baby. The bible says  the spirit in those that believe interprets those ping pong like prayers to God.  Again, what an amazing reminder that He is with us.

This message seem to set the theme for Sunday.  Sunday night we went to dinner with friends we haven't seen in long time who recently adopted.  It was so nice to be able to talk to someone that has gone through very similar stuff and SURVIVED!  Their outcome was better than they expected.

Here's to better things ahead!

why am I miscarrying?

Brad and I met with my doctor yesterday to go over the results of the genetic test and discuss our next steps.  It was actually a very good conversation. I of course asked the millionaire dollar questions:

Why am I miscarrying?

The guess right now is that I am miscarrying because the egg is not implanting correctly. Something new I learned is, implantation is not just a single- one time event.  In the first few weeks as the pregnancy is beginning the egg attaches further and further in my uterus. So, how is this treated? In about 3 weeks I will have my uterus and tubes examined.  Even though my doctor doesn't think there is anything severely wrong with either this may shed light on if I have scar tissue, polyps, fibroid, etc.  Any of those thing can be removed which would hopefully lead to a more successful implantation.

When do I stop trying?

The doctor feels confident that I have "better days ahead".  She has worked with other women in my situation and seen successful pregnancies- which makes me feel good.   At this point it looks like we will give it one more try on the same treatment path as before, except this time I will be on progesterone injections versus inserts.  These injection are evidently not fun and Brad will have to give them to me in my hip/butt- Oh Joy! If that doesn't work then we will move to a more aggressive treatment called IVIG. I really don't want to get to this point - it is really expensive and not covered by insurance.


At least I will be able to enjoy the holiday season without having to worry about injections or what I can and cannot drink.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Amanda