Last year

About this time last year we found out that IVF didn't work.  I was in such shock and went to a really dark place for a while.  Even though those wounds have healed I can still remember that feeling. 

What a difference a year makes?!?  I now can look back and see the good that came from going through all the miscarriages and failed IVF.   I am closer to God, my husband, and have a different view on life.  I have one beautiful daughter, Allie, that I couldn't imagine my life without and one due tomorrow.

I know there are so many women out there still struggling with infertility and wondering if they will ever have a child.  Well, the one thing I know is God is the only one who knows.  I knew he put the desire in my heart to adopt and to keep trying to have a baby.  I pray he brings anyone going through similar situation the same peace and guidance.  I think if you pray and listen he will give you little signs along your journey......

I am feeling extremely blessed and there is not a day that goes by I don't thank Him for Allie and Hadley.  My answered prayers and little miracles. :)

The Pressure of a Working Mom

Being a mom is hard- either stay at home or working. I applaud stay at home moms b/c it is like they do the same job 24/7- with no days off.  I don't know if I would be the best stay at home mom- having to come up with activities and all that stuff.  But being a working mom has its own hardships. 

So far what has been the most difficult for me is the guilt.  I feel guilty about not being around Allie and knowing I wont be around Hadley as much as I would like.  I also feel guilty about having to miss work when they are sick then feel guilty for feeling guilty about work when I should be worried about my daughters not feeling well.  I feel guilty about contributing financially to the family. If I was to quit work then I am putting more stress on our family financially but should finances outweigh what might be best for my daughters????    It is a very tough situation. My work has been great about understanding when Allie is sick and obviously my bed rest but the guilt is still there.  I hate to even say this, but  I think having a man as a boss that doesn't have kids makes it worse.  I think he doesn't quite understand everything moms go through and the emotional stress of being torn between family and work.

Most recently I have had moments of high stress and been on the brink of  a breakdown thinking about going back to work only after 6 or 8 weeks after Hadley gets here.  Since I have already taken maternity leave this year I cannot take the usual 12 weeks my work gives. Even typing about it now I can feel my blood pressure rising.   I can't imagine sending a 6 week old to day care....especially during flu season when she cannot get the flu shot!  We will probably revisit the nanny option but right now she is at day care for about 9 -10 hrs a day so finding a nanny that can work those types of hours for what we can afford will be difficult.

I know God has a plan and everything will work out- just like it always has but that doesn't mean it won't be hard while I wait for it to work out;)

Allie

My sweet Allie is now 7 months old.  She is just the most adorable little girl.  She is sleeping through the night, sitting up, kind of eating solids (even though she isn't wild about it),  playing, babbling, and getting closer to crawling.  She can turn circles and scoot backwards but hasn't quite figured out how to move forward.  I know it will be crazy once she starts crawling but I can't wait.  I love seeing her grow and do new things.

Her and Brad have the cutest relationship.  She just lights up when he enters the room.  I love it!!!

Long time no post

I haven't posted in a while and am kind of sad I haven't.  I love that I can look back at my post from before and right up until we got Allie and just relive all those emotions.

So, what's been going on......
I am 35 weeks pregnant today and really feeling pretty good.  5 weeks ago I was put on bed rest for a shortened cervix which has been really hard.  The hardest part of this pregnancy has been that I haven't been able to be as active as I usually am and being put on bed rest has been a true adjustment. Up until last week I really felt 100% but now I am starting to have some pains- mostly hips and back aches that wake me up at night and then just having a huge belly in the way makes it harder to move.

My work and family have been such blessings.  Work is allowing me to work from home during this time which I think has saved me mentally and emotionally.  It gives me a reason to get out of bed and feel like a functioning adult especially since my mom, mother in law and Brad have been doing everything else for me- taking care of Allie, getting me food, cleaning, etc.  I am very grateful for the support of my family! And very lucky my mom is a teacher and has been off work this whole time.  She comes over every day sometimes more than once to check on me, bring me stuff and of course bring Allie home and play with her until Brad gets home.  Oh and she takes me to all of my doctors appointments!  I know this has been a very special time for them to spend so much more time with Allie which makes me happy especially since I hate not being able to play with her as much or even pick her up.

So just some things have been going on the last 5 weeks.
1. Put on bed rest for shortened cervix- at 29 1/2 weeks my cervix measured at 2.1cm
2. The next week it dropped to 1.8cm
3. The next week it dropped again to 1.7cm.  They had me take a fetal fibronoctin test- it actually came back positive!! Which completely freaked me out!
4. They put me on blood pressure meds, progestrone, and 2 steroid shots.- The blood pressure meds give me incredibly bad headaches so instead of taking 2 a day I only take one.  The steroid shot gave me insomnia- so for two-three days I only slept about 3 hours a night.
5. Last 2 sonos have shown stable with no more shortening. YAY!! Praise God!

The next goal is to get me to 36 weeks which is next Friday!! Then of course I am sure they will say it is to get me to 40 weeks.  Even though bed rest has been hard it is all worth it as long as she gets here healthy.

My Girls

I am back! I took a little break due to everything that has been going on but mostly because....I am pregnant and wanted to wait until we knew for sure and let our adoption agency know before announcing it anywhere. 

So, here are some updates.....


It's a Girl!
We found out around the time Allie was born that we were pregnant but after my history of miscarriages we really didn't get our hopes up.  The pregnancy has not been the smoothest; the usual spotting and bleeding started around 6 weeks.  I actually had two major bleeds where I even passed some clots (sorry TMI) and I thought for sure I had miscarried. Somehow this little fighter held on.  The bleeding was due to a subchoronic hemorrhage and since I am on blood thinners for my APA  the bleeding was heavier.  At 10wks we ended up doing a Panaramic blood test that test for major chromosomal issues and it just happens to let you know the sex of the baby.  So around 12 weeks we found out we were having a baby girl!!

About 3 weeks ago, I started having brown spotting again and of coursed freaked out!  I went in for a sono and it showed my hemorrhage was still there and there was this odd looking band of tissue that had formed.  Long story kind of short, I went to two perintologist (fetal and maternal specialist) the first one was able to locate the hemorrhage and tissue but said it was really nothing to be concerned about.  The second (and probably more well known doctor) said he could not even see the hemorrhage or band and said in his opinion my pregnancy is too normal for me to be there. YAY!

As of today, I am 18 week pregnant and my due date is September 5th.  I have had 3 due dates  (6th, 8th, then 5th) so only God really knows when she will come, ha!

Allie Girl
Allie is at the cutest stage!  She wakes up every morning smiling and "talking".  It makes it sooo easy to get up in the mornings and really hard to leave her.  She probably gets 500 kisses from me every morning.  I can't imagine my life without her. Just thinking about her I wish I could hug and squeeze her.  She started daycare and it is going really well.  She has been sick once but was over it in about 4-5 days. 

I found out yesterday she rolled over for the first time....I am still really sad that I missed it.  I knew she was close she almost did it on Sunday and I was hoping it would happen this weekend. She also LOVES playing on her play mat.  It is the cutest thing.  She can now grab and pull at stuff and almost entertain herself for a good while.   She isn't sitting up on her own yet but can sit in the bumbo for short periods of time.

I am starting to feel guilt about not being around her enough and what I am missing and if she is getting the right amount of love and attention.   But her teachers are great and I am very lucky to have her in a place that I trust. 

Faith and Trusting in God
I have no doubt over our struggles with staying pregnant that God was leading us to Allie. It makes me tear up when I think of how much we prayed for her and how I am sure her birth mother and birth family prayed for us.  I also have no doubt the only reason this pregnancy has lasted as long as it has is b/c we have Allie I think God knew it would be harder to lead us down this path if our first or second or third or fourth pregnancy had worked out.  I am sure everyone who reads this and everyone who knows thought the same thing...omg two babies in one year.  Now maybe closer to September I will start freaking out but right now I think it is perfect!  
Finally, with having to go on maternity leave twice in one year and end up having two children in daycare there has been moments when we thought about our income and how that will affected.  Well, I am happy to say God has taken care of that worry too!  I got a promotion this week!! Makes being back at work a little easier when stuff like this happens:)

Public to Private

Hey everyone, I have made the decision to make my blog private for a while.   If you want to keep following me please email me at ajbkd09@gmail and I will add you to the list:)

Thanks!

Daycare and sip and sees

So, last weekend was Allie's first Sip and See.  It was great, except she was a tad fussy for like the first hour but after that she was a sweetie!  I felt/ feel very loved and blessed by all the love and support. Oh and she got some CUTE stuff!

Now, I know this is a big shocker to most people, but I have decided to go back to work early and start Allie in daycare.  Now, this decision was ONLY made because we had to get her into a place before I went back and this place could get us in in March but not April.  I actually think it will work out perfectly though.  The first 2 weeks I will be slowly transitioning her... And me to the daycare.  This was actually Brad's idea to take 2 weeks- he said maybe I can get some sleep, ha! I guess I have been complaining about that a little;).

As far as the daycare, I really like it! They seem very attentive to the babies and have cameras that I can log onto online and watch her all day 😁.  Also, a friend just started her daughter there and they will be in the same class!   I was really sad about it at first but I know it is the right choice right now.  Maybe one day I can stay at home or find a job that is a little more flexible. So everyone keep your ears/ eyes open for me;)

Allie is so sweet right now.  She is sleeping from about 11pm - 4am which isn't solid sleep but she is still much better!  She is smiling and cooing and it just brightens my day!! Yesterday as soon as Brad got home he said "hey sweet girl" and her face lit up with smiles- totally melted my heart!!!

Life is so precious.

Wow, it crazy how much life can change in a short amount of time.  We brought Allie home a little over 2 weeks ago and already can't imagine life without her....although I can imagine life with a little more sleep:) 

She had her 2 week follow up and doctor said she looks great!  She is now up to 7lbs and grew 1 inch.  She still isn't smiling at me but I feel it is coming.  She is so sweet and easy...I know that can change any week but right now she's perfect. I am also getting out more which has been AMAZING.  I am not the type of person that can just sit at home so even little trips to Target, Central Market or the mall feel so rejuvenating!

Last Sunday Allie had her newborn pictures taken.  It was a real "mom" moment for me.  First, it was like the first time in 2 weeks she would sleep.  Then once we kind of got her sleeping I moved her and she pooped in my hand!  When women would talk about stuff like that happening I would think- why would you put yourself in a situation for that to happen or I don't care whose poop it is thats gross BUT it didn't even phase me.  In fact, I waited until after the photo shoot to change my pooped stained pants, ha!

On a sadder note, as quickly as my life  for the better in the last two weeks my neighbors life changed for the worse.  Two days after we brought Allie home our neighbor was admitted into ICU for pneumonia.  How quickly his wife's life has changed.  My heart is so sad for her.  Life is so precious.

Events leading to Allie

Okay, so I actually got a little more sleep last night so I thought I would write out some of the events that happened leading up to Allie.

1. We had to get a new homestudy b/c our new agency, American Adoption requested the case worker to be registered. FYI- in Texas you don't have to be certified....just have the years of experience.  CRAZY!

2. The new case worker works with a lot of agency in Dallas, including Life Tree (the one we ended up being connected with)

3. November 1st- we were about to pay for our video kit to start our video with American Adoption when our case worker called about a potential match with Lifetree

4. This match fell through and delayed our video for about a week.

5. Over thanksgiving we worked on our video and sent it in.

6.  Finally, we could go live with American Adoption!  We requested the agreement- only to find a clause we didn't like so decided to wait a week.

7. I was planning on submitting our aggreement and a 4K activation fee on a Wednesday....well on the Monday before we got a call about another birthmother with Lifetree.

8. That Thursday we met the birthmother that gave us Allie.

I feel like God put little obstacles in our way to wait for Allie.  Had we never had any hesitation about the agreement or had we never received that first call about the other birth mother we would have been active with a national agency and probably passed on meeting with our birthmother.

Life has been great with Allie.  I am not sleeping much but I know it will get better and every minute awake with her is just amazing.....and she has no problem sleeping during the day, ha!

Our Allie

Tonight around 9pm the birth mother relinquished her rights making Brad and I Allie's parents.

We are so overwhelmed with joy and I am pretty sure I cried for an hour straight! A three year journey that started in December 2010 has the most happiest of endings.  I give God all the glory on this....I know it was without a doubt all part of his perfect plan.  So many little things happened leading up to this which once I get  few more hours of sleep I will write:)

I will be praying for the birth mother.  She made such an unselfish and courageous decision.  I hope over time she finds peace with her decision and realizes in spite of her pain she has made so many people happy.  I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Allie Shiloh Holdbrook

Sunday Brad and I had our typically day.  We went to church, ran some errands and went grocery shopping then went home to watch.....football.  I ALWAYS have my phone by me but I guess a day of running around made me tired so I took a nap and left my cell phone in my purse.  At 5pm Brad noticed a text from our agency it said the BM was in labor!!  I looked and sure enough she had called me one hour ago.  Luckily, we just through on shoes and drove there so fast we are pretty sure we broke some laws, ha!  We go there right after she had the epidural so Brad and I got to be in the deliver room and see her enter this world.  It was the most amazing experience...I even got to cut the umbilical Brad could have but he was about to pass out the doctor made him sit down, ha ha ha!

Allie was born 7:08pm weighing 6lbs 4 oz 19" long.  She is just the most adorable little girl I have ever seen.  Our lives have changed so much already.  The BM has allowed us to keep her through both the nights and really have her most of the day!  All of the nurses and doctors have been so great too.

Tonight around 7pm the adoption will hopefully be finalized.  Today will be a very long day while we wait for discharge and the BM to relinquish rights.  The BM has been so strong and sweet to us..... I love her almost as much as I love Allie. 

It is already so hard to leave her even for a few minutes.

Brad and I feel so blessed to have her in our lives and for all of our AMAZING friends and family that have helped us out so much.  Getting the house ready, bringing baby "supplies" and praying!  

Please pray for today to go well.  For BM to stay strong in her decision to adopt.  I will post more once it all finalized.

My love bug and answered prayer

Test Results and Sono

Thursday we went in for the BM's sono.  From what they could see everything looked nice and normal!  I got to stay in the sono room and see everything as the tech pointed out the face, heart, stomach.  Her little face was adorable!! The estimated weight is about 6lbs 3oz.  The baby's legs were still crossed so we still don't 100% know if it is a girl but we are going with girl until she comes out a boy, ha!  After the sono the technician gave her 3 pictures of the baby, the BM immediately asked the technician to cut one off.  The tech did and the BM handed it to me.  It was soooo sweet that I almost started crying but the BM said to save all of the tears until the baby arrives, ha! 

Friday, we went for her follow up with OB.  There is nothing really big to report except we didn't have to wait that long and all of her test came back NEGATIVE!!  Praise God!  I also got to meet her oldest son, who is so adorable and sweet.  He knew I was the lady that was getting the baby and really was just a sweet kid- sweet much like his mom.

I am still cautiously excited but everything is looking positive!  She is about 35weeks and dilated to a one so hopefully in the next few weeks we will have a baby!!!  Brad and I can't agree on any names so luckily we still have a few weeks to keep discussing that, ha!

Thank you all for your prayers and supports!  Since she still doesn't want to take any iron supplements or folic acid please just keep praying for the baby's health.

Another long day at the Hospital

Today at 9:30am I went with the birthmother to Parkland's Irving clinic for a full OB exam.  I got home at 5:30pm.  It was a very long day (again) but I think successful.  First, the nurses and aids at the clinic were so incredibly nice!!  It helped the birth mother and I feel much more at peace.  The BM got a pap, blood work and measurements.  We were not able to get a sono but have appointment next Thursday at 9am.   

What I know/learned so far is, is the baby is measuring (by tape) about 35.5 weeks. We will get her blood work and other test back in a couple weeks. 

There a couple red flags which added to the stress of the day.  First, the BM was real hesitant to release her medical records.  Which caused me to worry that is she hiding something.  However, when it came time to get the test and request the records she was fine and on board. Red flag now back to yellow.

 Next, she mentioned her mom, who was once on board with adoption, has changed her mind.  This is concerning b/c her mother has custody of her other two boys.  I spoke with the agency about this and she is going to keep talking with her and remind her of why she made the decision in the first place. This is very normal and a risk with any adoption.

I really wish we could have had a sono today just to confirm the baby looks healthy....and know the sex but I can wait a week;)

Lastly, the BM, again was very sweet and I think pretty honest with me.

Thank you all for the support, text, calls, and prayers.  Please help me in continuing to pray for the baby to be healthy and the BM to stay strong in her decision.

love and hugs,

Amanda

Doctor Appointment Set!

The appointment yesterday was cancelled because of some silly reasons that just irritate me!  Basically, they wouldn't see her without any of her past medical records.  Sounds a little suspicious. Now, the birthmother is going to the doctor tomorrow at 9:30am....and I get to go too!
I am so excited yet worried.  I pray that little baby is healthy and coming soon!!

Nothing else really to write to about;)

Doctor's appointment- Maybe

I am so mad at my email.  It spammed the response from the agency....so I went days frustrated.
The birth mother has an appointment today at 11:15pm- assuming they were able to get her previous medical records in time.   Hoping I get to go but don't know yet.  Trying to be patient.....I am awful at being patient......

I will update when I know if she was able to get in:)

Just a little update

So, the update is there really is no update.  We are still waiting to get the birth mother to a doctor.  Since I do not have direct contact with her it has been challenging for me to gauge when and if she is planning on going. I just keep praying she will and that the baby is healthy!!  It is a very weird feeling in knowing you could get a baby any day but don't really know anything else......

Blessings:

1. Friends who have offered to help- A sweet friend offered some of her basically brand new baby essentials to us- a car seat, stroller, baby jogger. Another offered bottles and bassinet.  Another offered swing, stroller, etc.  It such a humbling feeling to have friends that are loving enough to help in any way.

2. Church family- my church family is so amazing. They helped us with our video and have prayed over us through this three year journey.  Most recently, at a friend's Christmas party, I discovered one of my friend's husband is an OB at Parkland.  Long story short, he sent me allllllll this great information to pass along to my agency and he and I even talked about getting the BM into see him.  If nothing else this has given me comfort and knowledge in a situation where I have no control.

Once something happens I will for sure update!!

Oh! and my brother is engaged!!! 2014 could be a really fun year full of babies (i hope) and weddings!!

Baby time

We had a very nice talk with the agency Monday and they said their goal is to get her to a doctor.  Which is really all we want.  We have been praying, thinking, and talking and until something changes are mind we are in!  So, this means we could be bringing home a baby girl in January. We are still not 100% sure of the due date but I am guessing it will be early-mid January. I am also not 100% certain it is a girl but we are about 90%.

I am super excited but very guarded.  I would love to say I am going to go out and start putting together a nursery or have a baby shower but history has shown me that maybe sitting back and waiting is the better path.  So, I will start getting necessities together, I have already copied some of my friends registry, keep praying for our little girl to be/stay healthy and then once we get her home plan a few sip & see's:)

Thank you all for your support and love! Please continue to pray for us, the baby and birth mother.

Met with a Birthmother

Okay soooo.  To bring everyone up to speed.  Monday of last week we got a call about a potential birth mother that was due any day and was looking for a family.  This was through another agency that our case worker connected us with.  We obviously were fine with her showing our profile and found out Tuesday night that she picked us!!  So, the next step was to meet:)  I had sooo many emotions on the way to meet her on Thursday that I had to pull over and let Brad drive- I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

Thursday ended up being a LONG AND EXHAUSTING DAY.  Brad and I started off having brunch with the birth mother ( BM) and the agency contact at 10am. During that time the BM said her upper stomach was hurting really bad.  So we convinced her to go to the ER..... 7.5 hours later I left.  That's a long time to hang out in hospital with someone you hardly know.  That time was valuable though.... We found out she's only 33wks along and the baby "looks" healthy.  The bad news.... She has had no prenatal care (not a shocker) and the biggest red flag is she starts talking to me about how much sex with different partners she is having.  (can you believe she just started talking about that- Awkward!!) .   Other than that awkwardness, she is very sweet and it was a very humbling experience for me to hang out with someone who has nothing....I mean she barely has food to eat and lives at a budget suite hotel.  I was also shocked by the way people with no insurance are treated.  It was just sad.  As far as the pain in her stomach, she is a very tiny person and it looks like the growth of her stomach has caused her to pull/ strain her abdomen wall.   I have had a friend that this happen to and from what she has said it is very painful.

We are nervous about so many things, mostly,  does she have any STDs (like HIV) the ER did not do any of those tests so we don't know.  Also, since her due date has changed the baby daddy might be someone different.  She doesn't want to go to the OB but we are pretty insistent.

I don't know what we will do.  We have a call today with the agency to discuss our concerns.  Meanwhile we will pray for some type of guidance....

Minor bump in the road

So, we got our 25 page activation agreement.  There were a few things I had forgotten as I read through it but one thing caused Brad and I to pause for week before deciding.  There is a clause in the agreement that states if we become pregnant we must notify the agency within one day and our account will be deactivated for one year!  Additionally, the activation agreement includes a payment of 4K which we will lose if we don't "obey" the agreement. WOW.  For someone that has miscarried at 8 weeks 4x this was disheartening.  We decided to  take a week, enjoy the holidays and pray about what our next steps should be.  Should we stop trying all together and just focus on adoption?  Should we do both and test our luck that my pregnancy will get past 8weeks?  Do we just wait to tell once I get past 8 weeks?  Should we put off adoption and try a little bit longer?   Even as I type this I am not sure which is the best decision.

Thanksgiving was yesterday and I briefly got to hang out with my cousins and their kids....they are all girls and just as sweet as can be but one of them was just the cutest thing ever!  She giggled and laugh so loud it filled my heart with joy and sadness at the same time. Holidays are hard...I don't want to buy adult gifts...I want to buy baby gifts.  I normally put my Christmas decorations up the weekend after Thanksgiving but I just don't feel it.....maybe next week;)

I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving!

Print Profile Done...well almost

I am so excited that we are almost 100% live with our new agency.  We just received our print profile,

there are few typos we are letting them know to fix but overall I think it looks great!!

I attached a link but not sure if it will pull so I also took snap shots of it:)  I obviously cannot wait to share! 

Link