November

As of November 1st, it will be 1 year since I have been pregnant.  Last year on Halloween I miscarried.  After spending most of 2012 pregnant it is hard to believe its been a year.  The pain and sadness have faded more more everyday as I have become stronger to try again. 

Mid November we will start trying again on our own- once my next cycle starts.  With low expectations that we will get pregnant or stay pregnant I need to keep trying especially since my ovarian reserve is so low. Praise God for given me strength to go through all of this again.

November 11th would have been my Parent's & Ben's dog Killian's 11th birthday.  He passed away last night after a great long life. 

November 13th will mark what would have been the birthday of my first.  It is crazy yet very sad to think had I not miscarried we would have a little 2 year old on our hands.  I can only imagine how different my life would be....

End of November, we will complete our video for adoption.  I am so excited that our profile should be live in just a few weeks.  I have a strong feeling it will happen fast;)  I mean I would totally take a baby before Christmas;) ha!

So.....here is to November!

Remembering

Over the last week I have had some spiritual thoughts and struggles causing some roadblocks in my prayers.  Most were brought to light by the infertility bible study I am doing.  Most of the struggle was just dealing with if God answers prayers.  There is a part of me that is fearful that as I pray my desire will change to not wanting a child of my own. But I was reminded that God shows mercy, there are miracles and His plan is always the better plan. While going through these roadblocks I just began praying that God would  keep my eyes and heart open to what His will is for me.  What is my purpose?  What should I be doing?  The million dollar questions, right?

So, then comes Sunday.  The topic was Being Together- The Power of Belonging.  I was reminded that everyone has God given talents and gifts and all are important no matter how small. 

Wouldn't you know, they even have a survey/quiz online that you can take to discover how you can be a meaningful part in the church.  Talk about a sermon that is speaking to me! Of course I took the quiz but still not sure what I am supposed to be doing, ha! But at least I am taking baby steps to find out. 

Lastly, yesterday was awareness day for pregnancy and infant loss. Remembering my four precious angels in Heaven. 

Home Study. Done.

Last night we had our home study.  I was kind of stressed before hand but it was soooo much more laid back than our first one.  I am guessing it is because we have had one before and I sent this lady our past one so she didn't really ask us to elaborate too much. Still, I set out cookies, chips, dips, and popcorn so our case worker would see what a great hostess I am .....because clearly a good hostess means a competent adoptive mother, ha!!

The interview lasted about 2 hours as she conducted a joint interview and then individual interviews.  She feels very confident that we will have a child very soon but I am not getting my hopes up- I feel like I have heard that many times before. Our case worker said she will have our home study written up and completed within 2 weeks.  That means that it is very possible our profile will be "up and running" in by the end of October!!  EEEKKK.

I am feeling really good right now and hope this peace and happiness sticks around.

Long Overdue

Today, thanks to a friend who invited me,  I joined an infertility support group/ bible study through a church here in Dallas.  This is probably way over due- I have felt so confused over the last few months on what I am supposed to do, hopefully by looking to the bible (which I should be doing anyways) will help me through this journey.

My church has a kind of "grassroots" one that I have been on the fence about going to for years. I think a little bit of pride was keeping me from going- even though I am so open on this blog about what I am going through something about being tied to an infertility group scared me.  Also a lot of my close friends at church were in it and I was scared about being the last one of the group to have a child.  It is so silly, I know!

One of those days

I hate days when baby stuff consumes my mind.  I guess it could be from all of the people around me that are pregnant or that the holidays are coming up.  I dread going through another Christmas without a child.  For 3 years I have said " well next year we will have a little one to buy gifts for"  and every year comes and we don't.  I really think it is the holidays that make it harder.  I find myself feeling envious towards those that have what I want. There are times I just want to cry and get it out or just be somewhere by myself  with no chance of any baby talk to come up.

Oh well, hopefully something else will come up and take my mind off this topic.  Until then I will fight back the tears and put a smile on my face, wah wah.

Reassurance

I always pray for guidance/ signs/ reassurance that I am doing what God wants me to do.

Friday we had a great talk with our new agency.  Long story short, once we get all of our paperwork complete, our profile could potentially be shown up to 30x a month!!!  Hearing the agency contact tell us that was such a reassurance that we are moving in the right direction. I would bet that our book with the last agency wasn't shown 30x in a year.  We still have a long ways to go on getting everything set up but if you know me you know I am a doer and like to get stuff done quickly!

Then Saturday at an amazing leadership retreat for Junior League the topic came up and there was only one out of 35 women there was adopted.....and she was my roommate and she is already such a blessing in my life.  Immediately, once I mentioned Brad and I were adopting and without me prompting any questions she told me her relationship, acceptance and journey of being adopted.  Her experience has been great- she told me that the mom that raised her is her mom and she doesn't even question or have any split feelings.  She also added me to her prayer list- a girl by at that point I had known less than 24 hrs.  Lastly, she gave me some great ideas for the video profile, etc.

I have been feeling some very strong feelings of peace and am grateful for all the prayers of support.

My favorite verse:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6

Next Steps

Today we met with our doctor. Basically, there is absolutely no medical reason why I should not be able to get pregnant. My doctor still sounded a little shocked that it didn't work.  She explained there are three factors that go into a failed IVF cycle.  1. Uterus- by all accounts everything they have tested shows that my uterus and lining is perfectly normal.  2. Transfer problems- sometimes during the process of actually transferring the embryos there can be problems.  During my transfer there were no problems.  3. Genetic problems- unfortunately science/medicine cannot check  for every possible genetic issue, from what has been tested my eggs have been fine.  Which means there is still a chance there is a genetic problem they just can't tell.

So in summary, there is really no reason why the IVF cycled failed or why I have had multiple miscarriages. 

As for our next steps and the doctors recommendation.  She still thinks I can get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy but who knows how long it will take.  I could keep doing IVF and spending tens of thousands of dollars or try on our own again and she would help with medication and timing.

I am not sure what we will do. I lean towards trying again on our own for a while.  The scary part of that is I know I can get pregnant......I just fear having another miscarriage. 

While we are not 100% sure if we will try again on our own or by IVF we have decided to proceed with the new adoption agency.  We have a call with the agency Friday,  I will update on that after we talk.  

Finally, this songs speaks to me and just everything I have been through and some how gives me strength to just keep going.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming

For the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You, still I will praise You