One of the many sad parts of infertility

Tuesday night I went to a Woman's Touch Dinner at our church.  The dinner is a great way to have fellowship with girlfriends and learn something new or get inspired from the speaker.  

However, it was also the fist time in a long time I felt like an outcast due to my infertility.  I was sitting at a table with friends from church but I quickly noticed that at that table of 10 I was one of 3 that works and the only one that is not a mom. Oh, there was a girl pregnant too. 

I slowly started realizing that I have nothing in common with these friends except church.  I had nothing to contribute to any of the conversations. Most of the talk was around potty training, husbands handling the kids, or just cute stuff their kids do.  I honestly don't mind hearing the stories because I do care about them but 30 + minutes of that talk was a lot for me to handle- especially when I had nothing to add.  Not to mention I started clomid this cycle so probably a bit emotional.  

I know I am not the only person that deals with this- I am sure single girls feel this way around their married friends or friends that have lost parents around people talking about their parents- but it still just stinks!  In the past, I would always pray for strength and give myself a little pep talk before I walked into a situation where I might feel sad or different.  I guess I have just been so busy here lately and able to talk about so many other things in my life that I had kind of forgotten that the conversations that night might only be about kids. 

Just a quick update on TTC (trying to conceive)- I did start clomid and gonal F shot this week. 

Just a quick update on adoption: Everything is in (except Brad's social security card which he is getting replaced this week). We ordered our video kit which should arrive next week.   I really wanted everything complete by October BUT I have instead decided I will be happy if it happens by end of the year:)  I dread doing the video.....oh well, ha!

Long Week

Well, November started off with a bang and turned into a very long week.  Last Friday November 1st as I was about to leave work I get a text from my case worker.  It basically said "...there is a birthmother giving birth next week and needs a family, interested?" So naturally my response was can we call you? ha!  Long story short, we sent our old profile from our previous agency for this mom to view.  She is currently working with a small agency here in Dallas.  Her previous selected adoptive parents backed out and she is very picky and didn't like anyone else she looked at so the agency reached out to our case worker to see if she knew of any familys that would be on board.

The expectations for this to work out were very low from the beginning but of course we couldn't help ourselves but to think how quickly our lives could be different.  Last we heard, she was planning on keeping the baby, so it looks like we will not get a baby this week BUT it did light a fire under us to get some things done!  All of a sudden I freaked out thinking how can I bring a little girl home to an ugly blue room. So, that is getting fixed this weekend- goodbye blue hello pretty neutral color perfect for a boy or a girl:) 

I will say, I am happy for all the times our book was looked at and I didn't know.  Knowing someone is looking at you as a prospective parent for their child is mind consuming. 

Wonder what will happen this Friday?  :)

November

As of November 1st, it will be 1 year since I have been pregnant.  Last year on Halloween I miscarried.  After spending most of 2012 pregnant it is hard to believe its been a year.  The pain and sadness have faded more more everyday as I have become stronger to try again. 

Mid November we will start trying again on our own- once my next cycle starts.  With low expectations that we will get pregnant or stay pregnant I need to keep trying especially since my ovarian reserve is so low. Praise God for given me strength to go through all of this again.

November 11th would have been my Parent's & Ben's dog Killian's 11th birthday.  He passed away last night after a great long life. 

November 13th will mark what would have been the birthday of my first.  It is crazy yet very sad to think had I not miscarried we would have a little 2 year old on our hands.  I can only imagine how different my life would be....

End of November, we will complete our video for adoption.  I am so excited that our profile should be live in just a few weeks.  I have a strong feeling it will happen fast;)  I mean I would totally take a baby before Christmas;) ha!

So.....here is to November!

Remembering

Over the last week I have had some spiritual thoughts and struggles causing some roadblocks in my prayers.  Most were brought to light by the infertility bible study I am doing.  Most of the struggle was just dealing with if God answers prayers.  There is a part of me that is fearful that as I pray my desire will change to not wanting a child of my own. But I was reminded that God shows mercy, there are miracles and His plan is always the better plan. While going through these roadblocks I just began praying that God would  keep my eyes and heart open to what His will is for me.  What is my purpose?  What should I be doing?  The million dollar questions, right?

So, then comes Sunday.  The topic was Being Together- The Power of Belonging.  I was reminded that everyone has God given talents and gifts and all are important no matter how small. 

Wouldn't you know, they even have a survey/quiz online that you can take to discover how you can be a meaningful part in the church.  Talk about a sermon that is speaking to me! Of course I took the quiz but still not sure what I am supposed to be doing, ha! But at least I am taking baby steps to find out. 

Lastly, yesterday was awareness day for pregnancy and infant loss. Remembering my four precious angels in Heaven. 

Home Study. Done.

Last night we had our home study.  I was kind of stressed before hand but it was soooo much more laid back than our first one.  I am guessing it is because we have had one before and I sent this lady our past one so she didn't really ask us to elaborate too much. Still, I set out cookies, chips, dips, and popcorn so our case worker would see what a great hostess I am .....because clearly a good hostess means a competent adoptive mother, ha!!

The interview lasted about 2 hours as she conducted a joint interview and then individual interviews.  She feels very confident that we will have a child very soon but I am not getting my hopes up- I feel like I have heard that many times before. Our case worker said she will have our home study written up and completed within 2 weeks.  That means that it is very possible our profile will be "up and running" in by the end of October!!  EEEKKK.

I am feeling really good right now and hope this peace and happiness sticks around.

Long Overdue

Today, thanks to a friend who invited me,  I joined an infertility support group/ bible study through a church here in Dallas.  This is probably way over due- I have felt so confused over the last few months on what I am supposed to do, hopefully by looking to the bible (which I should be doing anyways) will help me through this journey.

My church has a kind of "grassroots" one that I have been on the fence about going to for years. I think a little bit of pride was keeping me from going- even though I am so open on this blog about what I am going through something about being tied to an infertility group scared me.  Also a lot of my close friends at church were in it and I was scared about being the last one of the group to have a child.  It is so silly, I know!

One of those days

I hate days when baby stuff consumes my mind.  I guess it could be from all of the people around me that are pregnant or that the holidays are coming up.  I dread going through another Christmas without a child.  For 3 years I have said " well next year we will have a little one to buy gifts for"  and every year comes and we don't.  I really think it is the holidays that make it harder.  I find myself feeling envious towards those that have what I want. There are times I just want to cry and get it out or just be somewhere by myself  with no chance of any baby talk to come up.

Oh well, hopefully something else will come up and take my mind off this topic.  Until then I will fight back the tears and put a smile on my face, wah wah.