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I couldn't think of a title that would fit this post- sad, miscarriage, etc just don't seem to fit what I am going through.  I found out today that I miscarried again.  I am not really surprised but the pain is still very real.  I guess the excessive tiredness was due to the blood thinners and being depressed.  And the nausea is from the miscarriage.  This is my 3rd miscarriage this year and 4th in 18 months or so.  So, out of the 96 weeks I have been pregnant 32 of them....almost one full pregnancy.  I am just emotionally exhausted from all it.  No one knows why I am miscarry but it always happens around the same time.  I am having a D&C on Friday and they will do genetic testing on the tissue.  This is pretty much the only test we have not done. Once we get the results we will discuss next steps.  My doctor has advised us not to get pregnant on our own anymore and that the safest bet is to do IVF.  I think I have one more try left in me.....At some point I just wonder if I will have to deal with the realization that I will never have children of my own. 

I will say that going to the adoption meeting this last weekend was a true blessing.  Seeing couples that had successful adoption does give me a hope that we will at least some day have a baby.

Surprisingly I am holding it together pretty well.  I am sure in the hours, days, and weeks to come I will have those moments where I just don't want to get out bed, I cry myself to sleep, and I start crying when I see a baby but right now I just want to move on. The silver lining is that I will not have to give myself shots anymore or take progesterone which I swear makes me hungry even though that is not one of the listed side effects:)

Lastly, I cannot express how everyone's kind words, prayers and support has meant to me.  God has truly blessed me an amazing support system of friends and family.